male friendships

5 Ways to Build Meaningful Male Friendships

James has a lot of friends, but he needs more actual male friendship. He’s one of those guys people refer to as a man’s man: athletic; Navy pilot; good-looking; rugged; smart; outdoorsman. Guys want James on the softball team. He’s the go-to dad for campfire stories at Scouts. He’s always surrounded by men when he fires up his grill or opens the cooler on his deck.

But James put a different spin on things when he showed up at a training event for potential small group leaders at his church. “I want to learn how to build intentional community with other dads my age,” he said. “Because guys don’t know how to be friends.” James understands that backslapping, sports stories, work anecdotes, and fist bumps often mask a crying need for deeper relationships where trust is built, fear is unmasked, and men learn how to invest in one another. The ideal of the “strong, silent, self-sufficient” man is a broken, dysfunctional, failed idea. To the extent that we put it to rest, we will be better equipped as dads, as husbands, as grandparents, and as friends. Bottom line: We need other men who know us and love us anyway. [Tweet This] Here are five ways to build meaningful male friendships.

1. Join a guys group

Many faith communities offer small groups where 5-10 men find a safe, confidential place where they can be honest, let their guard down, ask hard questions, share stories, receive encouragement, and get to know one another.

2. Get involved in volunteer work

Doing something positive with other guys often leads to real friendships. Scouting, coaching, food banks. Anywhere where serving others is the common ground. When the focus turns away from small talk, posturing, and sports stories around the cooler, real friendships can break out.

3. Look for a mentor

If you’re part of a larger organization such as a church or synagogue or even a corporation, step out of your comfort zone and ask a man you look up to for help or advice. Meet over breakfast or lunch. Tell them you want to pick their brain about parenting, work,  faith or marriage. Be open to a relationship where they become your mentor.

4. Look for a mentee

Likewise, put yourself in the position of helping a younger or less experienced man along. In the language of faith, it’s the principle that in order to be a disciple, you should also disciple someone yourself. Be a mentor and a mentee. Invest yourself in other guys.

5. Be intentional

Don’t wait for friendships to appear out of thin air. We were designed to experience community, to learn from one another, and to encourage other men. Decide that you will either eat lunch or share coffee with, at least, one male friend one day every week, if not more. Then follow through, even if you don’t really want to!

Sound Off

Share some of the factors that turn an acquaintance into a friend.

Derek Maul

Derek Maul is the author of five books, a nationally recognized men’s resource, a committed encourager, and a pilgrim in progress. He divides his time between writing and traveling to speak about the fully engaged life.

  • Paul_Sp

    I agree completely with the guy who said, “guys don’t know how to be friends.”
    As a middle aged single for the past 8 yrs, I’ve found this to be 100% true.

    They don’t want to hang out together except when there is a larger structured activity, and they aren’t much for talking except in person, and then more superficially. (I think this is partly cuz the vast majority are married and refuse to hangout with single guys.)

    So my best friends are all women (typically the kind that prefer talking with men more than typical women).
    We don’t hangout either, but we do talk about meaningful life issues over time, whether at work or via text or email.
    All platonic, nothing more sought on either side.

    Haven’t found any guys groups that meet at a time that works for me.
    Do volunteer at a food pantry weekly, but the guys aren’t interested in meeting outside of there.

    I’m a mentor for an 18 yr old, but can’t think of anyone I could ask to be a mentor to me.
    Being intentional still requires finding available worthwhile guys to spend time with. I wouldn’t pick someone at random, and I see no one available to me.

    • I agree, it’s tough. It’s also worth the effort. I’m one of tose busy guys without a ton of time. Yet, I always enjoy making new friends. Phone, Skype, or e-mail, it’s all good. Let’s connect 🙂

      • Paul_Sp

        I don’t mind the effort, but often there is simply no one to make new friends or connect with.

  • Phil

    I have found good and great friends.
    Buy hard to get anywhere with all the preconceived notions of what a guy is.
    I find amount great friends, that when a serious life question comes up silence overwhelms the room.

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Huddle up with two or three of your best friends and ask, “What can we do to help one another be better husbands and dads?”

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