self improvement

6 Ways Self-Improvement Will Heal Your Relationships

The Jones tribe makes up an average American family. Dad runs a small technology business, Mom works part-time and spends the rest of her day trying to keep up with the kids, brother is in middle school plus every imaginable sports league, sister is in fifth-grade and is all about her friends.

What makes the family interesting is their tendency to blame others when things go wrong. Dad complains that Mom doesn’t understand his pressures. Mom berates Dad when he runs late and spoils dinner. Brother yells at Mom when his baseball uniform is dirty. Sister fusses when her brother’s schedule interrupts her play dates.

Between the kids blaming the parents for incomplete homework, Mom nagging Dad about time together, and Dad criticizing the children because Mom is stressed, it’s obvious that something’s got to give.

Mom, Dad, and eventually their children, realized that changing themselves was the only modification they could really count on. And that changed everything!

Looking at ourselves means we respect others.

Human beings have free will. When we respect that truth in others, it has the effect of lowering barriers. Lowered barriers lead to increased communication.

Judge yourself, not them.

Once I take responsibility for myself, I tend to stop judging others. “What can I do to make family dinners more conversational?” is more effective than, “Suzie, I’m tired of your monosyllabic answers to my questions.”

The domino effect.

When we change ourselves, the only change we can control, others in the family begin to relate to us differently. For example, if I show genuine interest in my wife’s day, then she is more likely to show interest in me.

Owning my own feelings leads to good psychological health.

Once we stop the blame game, we clear the way to engaging our personal potential, and are no longer blocked by the sabotage of giving over the power for change to our children or our spouse.

Hope enters the equation.

Once positive change begins, an atmosphere of “more change is possible,” is created. “Dad held the chair for Mom. Who knows what might happen next?!”

It becomes about what I can give, not what I can get.

Changing others is about satisfying our own demands. Changing ourselves shifts the focus to service, to giving to the family, and to the kind of love that is “others” oriented instead of “self seeking.”

© 2014 All Pro Dad. All Rights Reserved. Family First, All Pro Dad, iMOM, and Family Minute with Mark Merrill are registered trademarks.

Derek Maul

Derek Maul is the author of five books, a nationally recognized men’s resource, a committed encourager, and a pilgrim in progress. He divides his time between writing and traveling to speak about the fully engaged life.

  • Steve Tavenner

    How can I show my wife the changes that are occurring if she won’t be around me? She has made me leave the home and I can’t get the time needed to show her.

    • BJ_Foster

      Prayed for you this morning. If you have time I’d love to hear an update on how things are going.

    • Andrew Mayer

      Hey Steve,

      I read your post this morning. Like BJ, I’ve said a prayer for you. I know it’s been a while since you posted your comment. Has there been any progress in your relationship?

    • Jeremy

      Steve, I came across your post this morning and just wanted to know that I’m praying for you and I hope things have taken a turn for the better.

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Huddle up with your family tonight and ask: “What’s something I can change about ME that will help our family?”

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