how to improve your sex life

7 Ways to Improve Your Married Sex Life

Several years ago, my wife and I were out to dinner with a group of other couples. I don’t know exactly how but the subject of discussion turned to sex. Apparently, this was a group of couples who were not inhibited about sharing because one of the wives said matter of factly, “I must be a boring girl. I’m only interested in doing the one standard position.” As much as I appreciated her vulnerability in sharing something so personal, at the same time I wondered how the conversation got to this point. Before I could even respond, one of the other husband’s (not hers I might add) said, “Well you’re missing out.”

Whether he was right I can’t say, nor do I think their sex life is any of my business. However, I do think every married couple would like to have a passionate, fun, and fulfilling sexual relationship. If you are someone wondering how to improve your sex life in marriage, there are some small habits that can help. I can’t promise that all of these practices will do the trick, but they will definitely move you closer. Here are 7 ways to improve your married sex life.

1. Talk a Lot

Great sex starts with communication and connection. In order to have both you need to do a lot of talking and listening. Be honest and vulnerable about how you feel about your sexual relationship. Don’t sit bitterly in quiet dissatisfaction. Tell her your turn-ons and turn-offs. Ask her what she likes and what she is missing. Your sex life will only be as good as your honesty and vulnerability with each other. Finally, talk during sex. Verbal communication while having sex is just as important as the physical.

2. Send Signals Throughout The Day

In other words, flirt with her. Give her signals that you desire her consistently during the day. Think of it like getting foreplay started early. Before leaving for work wrap your arms around her and kiss her on her neck. Let her know she’s desirable. Give her a once over and tell her how lucky you are to have her. Send her text messages to let her know how sexy she is. Call her in the afternoon and let her know you’ve been thinking about her, and perhaps what you’ve been thinking about her. Even if it makes her laugh that’s a good thing. It means you’re connecting. If you want to have great sex at night you need to start making your moves when you wake up.

3. Touch Her Regularly

This is similar to the last point. Touching her early and often warms her up. I try to touch my wife in some way every time I’m in her vicinity. When she’s at the kitchen sink I’ll give her a ten-second neck massage. If I need her attention I’ll touch her hand. When opening a door for her I’ll put my hand on the small of her back as passes through. These little touches are physical connection points that build trust and encourage vulnerability. It opens the door to a deeper level of physical affection and perhaps the willingness to explore more types. This brings me to my next point.

4. Change Things Up

Many couples get into a rut because they are bored of doing the same thing. For some, it can be like playing the same song over and over again. You’ll never get out of a rut doing the same things. Have a discussion about trying something new. This comes back to the first point. You have to be willing to be honest with one another about what you’d like to try.

5. Work Out Together

Being healthy and in shape will make both of you feel better physically and make you feel more attractive. On top of that, it will lift your spirits. When you are both in a more positive mindset it’s a lot easier to feel passion. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. Get the blood moving by working out together and see what develops from there.

6. Schedule It

We all want to be spontaneous, but in a world of family schedules and kids it’s not unromantic to get it on the calendar. Sex can be like working out. When we do it consistently we want to do it more. When we don’t carve time out and commit, it can be easier to just watch TV or worse. And that brings me to my final point.

7. Stop Watching Porn

There are some who argue that watching porn together can help a couple’s sexual relationship. I couldn’t disagree more. In most cases, it creates distrust at best when trust and connection are the most important ingredients to great sex. How can you connect when you are looking at a screen rather than focusing on each other? Stop looking at porn and start looking at your wife.

Sound Off

What are some of the roadblocks to a fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage?

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Director of Content Creation for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • BryanEW710

    I’m curious: what do all you guys out there do if your wife hates being touched in general? After 10 years, I’m still at a loss.

    • Larry Reinecke

      Read the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, and then ask your wife what her primary love language is. I am confident that once you fill her love cup in the way she most desires, you will see that your touch has a very different effect!

      • BryanEW710

        My wife and I read it when we first got married. Maybe we need to again.

      • BryanEW710

        That said, it doesn’t help that she hates being touched pretty much at all times (which SUUUUUCKS because it’s something I practically can’t live without).

        • Larry Reinecke

          I can relate! One thing I have noticed in myself is that my strongly ingrained default is to try to express love to my wife in my primary love language, which is physical touch. I do this in spite of the knowledge of the correct principles of relationship, and our marriage is really suffering because of it. So, thank you for asking your question, because it reminds me I need to defy my defaults and be more intentional about speaking love in her language if I ever want to repair the damage that life has done to our love story. Best wishes to you on your journey, as well!

      • Jeff Miller

        Sorry but that doesn’t work either. My wife’s was serves and I did everything I could around the house, not just for sex but because I wanted to do my part but that didn’t work. And yes the touching throughout the day backfired to the point that I didn’t know when it was acceptable to touch my wife because of rejection. Now I just say whenever you want to be touched let me know.

        • Mid30something

          This is my marriage to a tee. 2 kids, 5 and 1 year old boys and still the same. Slightly better than it was after 6 weeks but we’re now 15 months after the second child.

        • BJ_Foster

          How did she respond to that Jeff? Has she given you a reason she doesn’t want to be touched?

  • ainleytim

    All of this makes sense on the surface, but when you go deeper, sometimes it’s more difficult than that. For example, things like sending signals and touching her, at least in my case (and I’ve heard from many other husbands), can actually have the opposite affect because she feels as though you are only doing those things because you want sex. She doesn’t feel it’s authentic; it’s just the buttons you have to push to get what you want from her. It’s probably good to mention that those things we should be doing all the time, probably even more importantly, when THEY DON’T LEAD TO SEX. Because then maybe she will actually believe you mean them.

    • BryanEW710


    • BJ_Foster

      Well said.

  • Dana

    Never get married in the first place!!!

  • ED23

    What about when your wife never is in the mood? You do all the things that build her up and let her know you are very much into her. She says sex hurts all the time and gets no pleasure from it.

    • BJ_Foster

      Has it always hurt? If not, when did it start? I would go to the doctor.

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