The heart is the deepest part of one's life. Once issues are addressed on this foundational level, we move to another platform: the will. The heart makes commitments; the will makes choices based on those commitments. Once a commitment is made in the heart, the will chooses to do the right thing. The will is that place of determination. The level of one's determination is affected by such things as personality, character, values, and one's sense of morality.
Parents and children often experience conflict when their wills determine to go in opposite directions. A wise parent helps turn potential fights around, looks for ways to redirect a child's intensity, and knows when taking a stand against a child's will is the most loving thing to do.
Children who make decisions with intensity tend to be called "strong willed." All children fall somewhere on the continuum between strong willed and unmotivated, depending on their intensity level about life. Strong-willed kids are generally determined, highly motivated, persistent, and not easily persuaded once they've made up their minds. Most parents consider a strong will a negative personality trait because it often creates resistance and frustration in family life. A strong will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm. On the other hand, the strong-willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this kid's determination.
Children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a higher need for control in life. Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of chaos and motivate people to action. Unfortunately, it's hard to raise a leader. Many parents of strong-willed children wish their kids were more compliant. Yet, in reality, it's the strong-willed kids who are often better equipped to succeed, be creative, and face adversity. Of course, a strong-willed child can also be defiant and rebellious. Many prisons are full of strong-willed people. The key is something deeper than the will. It's the heart. When the heart is in the right place, it guides the will in the right direction.
Unmotivated children are generally passive, cooperative, flexible, easygoing, and accommodating. These children may be easier to get along with because they lack the drive of strong-willed people. Still, even unmotivated children can be strong willed sometimes; it's just not their general tendency. They may seem easier to raise, but parents also struggle with these kids at times. They may not have the fortitude to stand up for themselves, withstand temptations or push hard to complete a task. They're sometimes people-pleasers and may be easily directed in positive or negative ways, depending on who they're with. Interestingly enough, when it comes to defiance, these kids may be just as stubborn as strong-willed children. In the same way that strong-willed children need stronger fences in their lives, unmotivated children often need the brush cleared off their paths of life.
Parents need to develop strong wills. It's not an option. Many strong-willed children have weak-willed parents, allowing the children to become more selfish and demanding. Unmotivated children also need strong-willed parents to challenge them to succeed. Kids need moms and dads who will show them the path and encourage them to stay on it. Sadly, some parents translate this mandate into a justification to rain anger down on their kids. Children need firmness, but don't think firmness is the same as harshness. Many parents confuse the two, but harshness damages relationships. Firmness sets down a boundary and lets children know that if it's crossed, a consequence will follow. Firmness holds a child accountable to take the next steps. Don't use anger to overpower a strong will or to put a fire under an unmotivated child. It may work for a while, but in the end you'll lose closeness.
Strong-willed children need a solid, inner sense of direction to keep them on the right road. Those who are unmotivated need a passion to help them stay the course. So, wherever your child fits, you must start with the heart to see lasting change take place. Helping children develop a stronger will or redirecting their already strong will is a challenge in any home. The daily work of family life poses many opportunities to make changes. Instead of just reacting to the needs of the moment, parents would do better to identify the issues of the will and use a heart-based approach. Long-range solutions are always heart-related. It's the heart change that your child needs to adequately guide the will.
While sometimes a major crisis causes a change of heart, more often it happens over time through interactions in everyday life. A strong-willed child may object every time you give an instruction, and you may find it quite tempting to give in. After all, eventually the child discovers some logic that makes sense. He or she has successfully talked you into a compromise. Now it's important for parents to listen to their children. In fact, compromise can be a good thing in many situations. Asking children to propose an alternative solution helps them develop the ability to appeal graciously to authority. But some parents have erred too far in that direction, and their children can't seem to follow any instructions without a dialogue. Conversation can be good in some circumstances, but sometimes strong-willed children need to just stop resisting and do it your way. Children who argue continually tend to value their own agenda above relationship. Their desires and getting what they want become the most important thing, revealing a heart-deep selfishness that needs to change.
If you find yourself in a pattern of never-ending spiral conversations, and your child is becoming more demanding and self-willed in this area, you need to develop a new routine. In a calm moment, have a sit-down meeting and say, "We seem to have a problem when I give you an instruction you don't like. I appreciate your persistence and many of your ideas are good, but when I tell you to do something, that's not the time to argue. This is a heart problem. So from now on, when I ask you to do something, I want you to obey first; then we'll talk about it later. I want to see if you can accept my instructions and cooperate without arguing."
Your job is to teach you child where limits exist in relationships. When a persistent child launches into his arguments, you might typically give a look that communicates, "I've heard enough." A sensitive person would catch that look and stop talking or change the subject. But your child doesn't get it, so you have to make the cues more obvious. Of course, some children see the cues but decide to ignore them. You can raise the awareness level and help children realize that you're not going to follow the same old script.
Many parents try to break the will. You've probably heard the parenting proverb: Break the will without breaking the spirit. This will only be productive if you have a heart-based approach to discipline, because stopping a child's determination forces her to reevaluate her values and priorities. You create a wall to block the child's will--but at the same time, it's critical to feed the heart with new information and experiences. In this way, the walls you set up redirect a child's heart rather than just create a hurdle for her to overcome.
If behavior modification is the focus, however, determined children learn to get what they want. They discover ways to go through, over, around, or under you wall. The will is a good thing when it is directed by wise heart, but a foolish heart creates a lot of pain for both the child and the parents.
Even unmotivated people wrestle with issues and questions in their hearts, although you may not see it as clearly as in the strong-willed child. Some children process things more internally and aren't as transparent. These children appear compliant, allowing others to make decisions or take the lead, but their anger may be growing inside. Fear of failure may keep an unmotivated child from taking action. Some kids want everything perfect before they'll take the first step. Unlike the strong-willed child, who often learns by jumping in and making mistakes, the unmotivated child will hold back until more parts of the plan become obvious.
Sometimes parents overlook the unmotivated child because she isn't causing any trouble, generally gets along with people, and appears easygoing. It may be more difficult to know what's going on in this child's heart, requiring extra work and effort. Give your children opportunities to test out new things without criticism. Making mistakes is part of growth.
Remember, whether your child is strong-willed or unmotivated or somewhere in between, what's important is the heart.
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