Is your marriage headed for divorce?

It stinks.  It just really stinks.  Your marriage is a continual nightmare.  It's not that there's physical abuse or screaming matches.  It's just that you resent your partner.  You feel they tricked you.  They faked who they truly were while you were dating.  And as the years go by, you all drifted apart.  There are a lot more bad times than good.  The kids know you and mom don't really like each other and they use that against you.  You haven't had sex, at least the way it's supposed to be, in ages.  You find yourself wishing you were with other women.  You know you probably shouldn't divorce, but it seems like if you don't, you'll never be happy.  You feel trapped.  What do you do?

If the above describes you, then this online course is for you.  There's only one requirement - you have to be totally honest with yourself.  You have to quit assuming she's the only one to blame.  You have to admit you may need some help.  And you might be the first one who needs to change.  It won't be easy.  But nothing ever worth having ever is.

Of course every situation is unique.  These lessons focus on what you can do as a man.  They cannot change the motivations or reactions by your wife.  Not all of these lessons may apply to you nor will this course guarantee that your marriage won't end in divorce.  But it can be a start.  At the end of this lesson you'll be able to e-mail us for further help - including a network of counselors available to you.  Let's get started.

 

Divorce is not an option

The first step in avoiding a divorce is not making it an option for you.  Sounds simple enough, eh?  There's so much in the world pulling at you to separate from a spouse who isn't making you happy.  Divorce lawyers plaster their billboards all over the highway.  Many television shows trivialize marriage and commitment.  Friends are nudging you to put away the hag and get on with your life.

Yet deep down, you know divorce can't be right…at least in most cases.  But you don't feel you have the inner strength to keep going.  Well, you do with God's help.  And here's some encouraging news.  Recent studies have shown that out of the couples who were contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with it, 80% stated that they were "happily married" five years later.  80%!  That's awesome.  In other words, most couples who are approaching the brink of separation but commit not to do it work through the issues and become happier and closer.

So here's step one: divorce should never come into your mind as a solution.  You should never bring up the subject of divorce with your spouse.  Your kids should never fear that you and mom will separate.  Instead your attitude should be "whatever it takes."  And that starts with you, the man.  Pledge yourself to do what's necessary to revitalize your marriage and make that a commitment that comes before work.  Before friends.  Before football.  We've got tools to help you do it.  But you've got to have the resolve.  And commitment.

You're wrong too

When's the last time you had a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse that didn't erupt in arguing or you walking away feeling frustrated?  It's been a while, hasn't it?  Well the first step in saving your marriage is rebuilding that communication.  And this may take some time.  You need to go to your wife, hat in hand, and apologize for the things you've done to distance yourself from her.  Write down your sins beforehand and give them some thought.  You don't have to take the entire blame.  But 'fess up, and be specific, about what you have done wrong.  Say it with humility and tact.  Don’t expect her to necessarily start apologizing for her mistakes right away.  Tell her you're committed to her and will do whatever is necessary to get things right.  Tell her you love her.  This can be very hard if you don't feel like loving her at all.  But remember, love is a commitment, not a feeling.  Ask her if she'll forgive you and if you all can start the process of healing.

If you're really ticked off that I suggested all this, you probably have identified a major source of marital problems - male pride.  You know how very few men admit when they're wrong?  We're so prideful!  Pride destroys.  You may feel you're only responsible for 25% of the marital problems, but it's that 25% you can admit to your wife in areas you've failed.

You know a great thing about most women?  They're really compassionate.  You may think somehow that compassion gene skipped your wife, but most of them have it in there somewhere.  It's just been buried under a mountain of resentment.  But once you're man enough to admit your mistakes, her compassion can well up and overflow on to your relationship.  Do you have any idea how much women love and admire men who can admit their mistakes?  You will be amazed at how such a simple principle will revitalize your marriage.

So are you man enough to admit your mistakes to your wife?  Are you willing to be vulnerable with her?  If not, the outlook on your marriage is not good.  If you're willing to be the first and fastest to admit when you've sinned, your marriage can blossom.  The choice is yours.

Start being romantic again

Ok, now that you've admitted your part in hurting the marriage relationship, what's next?  Love her in word and deeds.  Your wife may be shell-shocked that you actually admitted you're wrong sometimes and may not know what to say!  So start telling her you love her.  Call her periodically throughout the day.  Pick her up a card on the way home.  In other words, START DOING WHAT YOU DID FOR HER WHILE YOU WERE DATING!  You know why it was so good back then?  Because you put in so much more effort.  Granted, so did she, but as the man, you've got to take the initiative to put romance back into your marriage. 

What's so great about romance?  Well it goes straight into the heart of your wife.  Women are wired to be romantic.  Men are wired to be sexual.  Let's be honest, the reason most of us were romantic while dating is because we knew some day we could get great sex.  And you know how powerful your drive for sex is.  Well your wife is driven by a similar power, but it's romance.  If your sex life stinks now and seems sporadic, unimaginative and boring, your wife not only thinks that about the sex, but more about the romance.  Are you being romantic and creative?  Or is it just a ritualistic Valentine's Day card?

Women are romantic.  They want to be romanced.  If you want to meet her where she's at, you've got to improve in this area.  You may not understand it.  You don't have to.  Just do it.

Repair the bridges

Now we're making some progress.  You've admitted your faults and have started being romantic.  Now she's cracking and beginning to express more warmth to you.  You all are starting to have real conversations again.  You've broken the ice.  You're on your way to a happier marriage!

The communication lines are open - now it's time to repair some bridges.  Take turns sharing the areas of frustration each of you have.  The other person should just listen and not object.  That will be hard.  It goes against our nature again - pride.  Find out areas of disagreements and work out solutions to them.  Pepper each other with encouragement and compliments.  Tell her she's beautiful.  Talk about some fun things you can do together.  Tell her she's beautiful.  Share some good memories.  Tell her she's beautiful.

Get the point?  You don't have to pretend problems aren't there in the marriage.  You just have to put yourself in the right position to address those problems.  By being apologetic for your mistakes and being romantic, your wife is much more able to listen.  It may take a while, but you can be confident it can happen. 

When you start to talk about problem areas, use "when you, I feel" statements.  Don’t hammer her and tell her she's dumb about money and stinks at driving.  Instead say something like: "When you spend a lot of money without asking me, I feel you're putting our family at greater financial risk."  Then let her respond.  Have her do the same with you.  The point is not to attack the person but attack the problem.  Clothe yourself with humility.  And just tackle a few problems at a time.  It can be quite overwhelming to fix all the problems that have built up over years of resentment.

Spend time together

After you've admitted your shortcomings, been romantic, and tackled problems, it's time to spend more time together.  And it won't be so hard because you will actually enjoy it now.  Plan scheduled time to do shared activities.  Maybe it's Saturday morning yard work or Thursday night dinner.  Turn off the tube and go out and do something!  Volunteering at a church or charity will do wonders for your marriage.

If you look over your marriage and think about how you all might have been headed for divorce, you probably realize you all drifted apart, not sprinted apart.  Spouses lose the romance and fire of love because they don't have time to rekindle it.  And it could be for seemingly valid reasons.  The kids need to be picked up at soccer practice.  Clients need to be taken to the airport.  We live in a time-consuming society.  There's something always pressing.  And if you just plan to give your spouse the "left-overs" in time, you both will be feeling left out.  You have to be deliberate.

Granted your kids take up a lot of your free time.  But you need to have specific, "wife-only" time that nothing gets in the way of.  Drop the kids off at a parent's or friend's house and take off for the weekend.  As much as you love your kids, you've only got them in the house for 18 years.  You have your wife for the rest of your life.  Your relationship with your wife comes first, before the kids.  And your relationship with your kids will grow stronger when they see your marriage growing stronger.  The best thing you can do for your children is passionately loving their mother.

Conclusion

Your marriage will always have problems.  But the difference is how couples handle the problems.  For healthy marriages, problems can actually bring couples closer together in the end because they've worked through them together.  You can save your marriage.  You can be one of the 80%  By admitting your faults, being romantic, sharing problems and spending time together, you can become a happier and healthier couple.  But it starts with you.  And it starts today.  What are you waiting for?  Go talk to your wife.

If you're interested in additional materials to strengthen your marriage, please visit our e-store at http://www.allprodad.com/estore/products.php?cat=3

I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions - especially those of you who are in a troubled marriage.  We've also got counselors we can refer you to.  Please feel free to e-mail me at:  Bryan@FamilyFirst.net