things to say to your wife

The Best Things to Say to Your Wife When She’s Feeling Down

Our premarital counselor turned to me and said, “What’s going on with you? Tell me about your posture. I don’t like what I’m seeing right now.” I was leaning back in my chair and everything about my posture communicated disengagement. Meanwhile, my soon-to-be wife was crying. I told him that the more she spirals downward, the more laid back I would get. My argument was that it balances us out. That’s when he turned to me and said, “Yeah, I don’t think that’s working for you.” He went on to say that when she is feeling down, I needed to go with her rather than fading away.

It was much easier to disengage for me then it was to be with her and feel powerless. When my wife is down, I just want to fix the problem and move on. That never works to resolve anything. Though the reality is that I am not powerless. My energy is just misappropriated in an attempt to change her circumstances. When our power is applied to coming alongside our wives with the right words, it can bring comfort, healing, and strength. These are the best things to say to your wife when she’s feeling down.

Note: These need to be said with sincerity. Saying something you don’t feel will do more harm than good.

“I’m sorry.”

There’s empathy that comes with these two words. You are connecting with the emotions that she is feeling. It places you on the same level with her. She is in pain and you are expressing that you are hurting with her. Knowing she is not alone will give her comfort.

“I’m glad you told me.”

This says that you want to know her fully. In the moments when she is experiencing her worst, you are strong enough to go through it with her. No matter how bad it gets you will always be there. It will give her a sense of security knowing that she can be completely vulnerable.

“I love you.”

This can never be said too many times. If you can’t think of anything else, saying this with sincerity should be your go-to proclamation. Reaffirm to her that you love all of her, especially when she is struggling, weighed down by baggage and has nothing to give. [Tweet This]

“I understand how you feel.”

It validates her pain. She needs to know that she is not crazy or weak for the way she is feeling. We have all experienced times where we have been hurt, felt down, or insecure. Drawing on that experience to connect with what she is feeling will serve her well in these moments. It will only make you closer.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

I would save this until last. She wants you to connect first. Like I said, I want to fix it as soon as possible, but asking this question is different. It gives her a chance to communicate what she needs.

Sound Off

What are some other good things to say to our wives when they are down?

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Director of Content Creation for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • drrichardnorris

    This is wise advice and it goes both ways. As a husband, this would be a tonic to me too.

  • Josh Pearson

    Unless your wife is pregnant, which then makes her more of mystery than she already was…lol

  • Gordon Paisley

    I’ve always been wary of telling anyone “I understand how you feel,” because far too often, I really cannot understand–or at least not in the same way as my Wife feels it. Every situation is different and every person will experience an event differently. I usually say something more like, “I get how you feel,” or “I understand that this must be very difficult/painful/sad/etc. for you.”

  • Mr. Bigglesworth

    “It’s my fault”, regardless of whether it really is….

  • Steve

    “I understand how you feel” is weak at best. It’s kind of patronizing. She’ll know you understand when you can actually use a feeling word to describe how she might be feeling: “So you’re feeling discouraged because…(whatever the reason she might be feeling that way).” Say this in a tentative way not an authoritative way. If she says “Yes” then she knows she’s understood. And if you miss the mark on the feeling word, she’ll probably say “I’m not discouraged, I’m actually kind of angry.” But the attempt shows her you’re trying to understand and helps her process/clarify even more.

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