10 Ways to Know You're Really Listening to Your Kids

So your children don’t talk to you much, huh? Do you think, maybe, that the wall of silence has something to do with your listening skills? Too often we begin to think about listening to our kids after it’s too late. Only after we notice they’re not talking anymore do we wonder, “Why?”

The art of listening in families is built around routine. Family time which includes lessons geared toward better listening is part of the solution. Establish the good listening patterns early and there’ll be a comfort level to family communication that will survive even the teen years. However, if you routinely make it clear that you’re not that interested in what your young children have to say, then it’s going to be an uphill battle to establish those connection points when they’re older.

Here are 10 things to think about when it comes to listening to your children:

1. Make listening a predictable routine

   Most relationship skills evolve around habits—not just the bad ones but the good ones too. Get used to listening, family communication depends on it. Make yourself practice until listening to your children is second nature.

2. Try not to talk over your kids, yell when you don’t like what they say, or cut them off mid-sentence

   Kids tend to give up on communication when it makes them feel badly. Monosyllabic utterances from teens can often be explained as simple self-defense.

3. The moment you come in the house, focus on your children

   First things first. Hug your wife for a very long time, then sit down with your children, get on eye-level, and FOCUS.

4. When the kids come home, put down what you’re doing and ask a few questions

   There’s typically a short window of opportunity to connect with a child’s recent experiences. That other stuff you’re doing can wait. Make it a tradition to sit together at the kitchen table while they tell you about their day

5. Listen with your eyes

   Naomi famously told her father, “Daddy, please listen to me with your eyes.” He thought he could get away with checking his email while she told her story. She knew better.

6. Repeat back what children tell you

   This way they know you’re following the story. “Let me get this right…you finished finger painting and then you ate your sandwich? That’s cool.”

7. Move beyond simple reflection

   Ask questions that move the story along. “Tell me about the picture you painted.” “How did it make you feel when you struck out in baseball?”

8. If you’re a good listener then they won’t interrupt you so much

   OK, this will sound counterintuitive, but think about it. If kids know you really listen when they talk, then they’ll be less likely to interrupt incessantly. They do this because they’re desperate for your attention.

9. Make listening a game

   “Okay, now. I ask you a question, and then you get to ask me one.” The key here is positive expectation. “This family talks. It’s what we do…”

10. Listening patterns define family relationships

    It’s not that complicated—your teenager is simply an evolution of a younger child. Raising teenagers starts with listening to them when they’re pre-teens. Listening is not only preventative maintenance; it’s a beautiful relationship builder.

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