10 Ways to Productively Argue with Your Children

Raise your hands if you enjoy family dispute. Nobody? Okay, how about family conflict. No? Here’s one more. Do you like to argue with your kids? I didn’t think so. Positive family communication is a much better idea.

Arguing with children is a lot like using gasoline to put out a fire, or drinking hot sauce to deal with a bad case of heartburn. Not only is the way we tend to argue a bad idea, the process is likely to exacerbate the situation and accelerate the destructive cycle. How much of our family time is defined by this kind of conflict?

There may well be 10-ways to productively argue with your children, but it’s going to have to be “arguing with a twist.” Here at All Pro Dad, we seldom advocate business as usual. We don’t think parenting needs to involve itself in confrontation, quarrelling, fighting, squabbling or bickering. And, let’s face it, isn’t that what we usually mean when we say, “argue?”

Most definitions of “argue” suggest the presentation of reasons or evidence, compelling data that have the effect of persuasion. But we’re talking about children here, so the discussion necessarily needs to be broader.

Try these 10 ideas next time you want to go head to head with your kids:

1. Listen

   What happens when we listen? First, we learn something, that’s a given. Then, more often than not, we discover we’re not so far apart after all.

2. Avoid patronizing

   You may be right, but rubbing it in is never a good idea.

3. Develop a play-book for disagreements

   - Call a family meeting when there’s no argument pending.

   - Hash out “argument guidelines.”

   - Respect everyone’s ideas.

   - Offer several alternative procedural guidelines (all acceptable to the parents) and let the kids make the call.

   - Then (this is very important when a real argument comes along) make sure to always follow the rules yourself.

4. Teach effective argument techniques

   This is not a case of shooting yourself in the foot, but of equipping your child with a useful tool.

5. Let your child know they are heard and understood

   This goes beyond simple reception of information. Paraphrase what your child has said. Ask them if you have it right. Try the information on for size.

6. Be receptive to new ideas

   Let your child know you value their input.

7. Avoid the pride trap

   Sometimes, a few seconds into an argument, the unthinkable occurs. What is the unthinkable? It’s realizing you’re wrong and that your child is right. Some parents will continue to argue on principle. Don’t be that guy.

8. Role-play

   No, seriously, this can be fun. Role-play can disarm the tension. Say, “Let’s switch roles. I’ll be the kid and you be the parent.” Then, lay out all the facts and advocate for your child’s point of view. Often, kids will be harsher on themselves than we would imagine.

9. Never put your child down

   Name-calling is always wrong. If you say a child’s argument is “stupid,” or “emotional,” or “childish,” then the discussion shifts and kids begins to defend themselves rather than a point of view or an idea.

10. Remember not to confuse a healthy discussion with parental authority

    Some things should not be argued about, simply because they’re non-negotiable. However, once your child understands that you argue reasonably, fairly and productively, he/she will accept the non-negotiable points with less opposition.

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