talking to your kids about sex

10 Ways to Talk to Your Children about Sex

Have you ever chaperoned a high school dance? I have, it’s horrible. What amazed me is how many kids started grinding on each other when a song starts. On a different day, I spoke to a group of high school junior girls about it. Each of them felt pressure to do it. When I presented the option of not doing it, they each admitted that they never really thought about that before.

The American Association of University Women Foundation found that the number one concern of girls ages eleven through seventeen was how to say “no” to sex in an emotionally-charged relationship. Have you ever had that conversation with your daughter? Or son? If not, there is no time like the present. Talking to your kids about sex can be awkward, but it is necessary. Here are 10 ways to talk to your children about sex.

1. Get past your fear.

We all prefer to think of them as the innocent, sweet babes they once were. The mere thought of sex and your child in the same conversation strikes fear in any parent. As scary as the topic might be, it is more frightening to think of the possible consequences of not having this discussion. This is one of those step-up-to-the-plate types of moments.The more you understand what your child is exposed to, the better you will be able to guide them. Go after it.

2. Learn the language of this generation.

Sex itself does not change. Nothing new has been invented. However, the language of sex is always evolving. Every generation has their own buzz words and phrases. Making yourself familiar with these terms will empower your message. The more you understand what your child is exposed to, the better you will be able to guide them.

3. Emphasize what is positive about sex.

It is natural to immediately talk about the risks of sex. That should be a part of the conversation, but emphasize the importance of when, why and with whom sex should occur. Make sure to explain that in its proper setting, sex is a wonderful gift and beautiful expression of love.

4. Don’t be patronizing.

They already have been exposed to more than you think. Your kids talk about sex with their friends and at much earlier ages than you may care to acknowledge. Talking down to your children will only make them roll their eyes and tune you out. Your job here is to give the right information on sex. Start out by asking them what they know.

5. Be real about your own experiences.

Your child does not need to know the intimate details of your experience. But it is important to be real about some of the choices you made and the consequences. You have to be real with this topic. Your child is going to date and experience a physical component of that relationship. Use your story to help prepare them.

6. Bring your faith into the conversation.

Whether you are a person of faith or not you can still teach your child to hold themselves to a higher standard. However, faith can be a great anchor when it comes to decision-making about sex. This does not mean all teens of faith will not have sex before marriage, but it can cut down on the likelihood. Talk to your children and make sure they are aware of what your faith teaches on the subject. Just don’t use it as a tool to cause shame and guilt.

7. Talk about the emotional aspects of sex.

Discuss the emotions involved in sex. When asked in a poll, one woman responded “I wish someone would have explained to me the emotional impact of these things. At 13, 14, 15, you just have no idea!” Talk to your kids about the consequences and feelings that occur after sex, especially when it happens early in a relationship and in the wrong context. Again, bringing in your own experience here is helpful.

8. Talk about the risks.

Like I said, this needs to be a part of the conversation. STDs, unwanted pregnancies, broken relationships need to be talked about. Your child must know the possible ramifications sex. The point is not to scare them, but they must know the gravity of their choices involving sex.

9. Give them a healthy self-esteem.

Make sure your children view themselves as valuable or they will look for it in the eyes of their peers. Give them the strength to stand up for what they believe. In a book on this subject, a 17-year-old girl stood up in front of her peers and declared that she was a virgin. When the laughs hurled her way, she replied: “I can be like you in seconds, but none of you can be like me ever again.” That is a person who knows her value.

10. Have many talks about sex, not just one.

Don’t have one talk about sex and think you’ve covered it. It doesn’t always have to be a heavy conversation. When the 16-year-old on Nick Teen is pregnant, say to your daughter, “What do you think you would be feeling if you were that girl?” Ask your son, “What would you do if you were her boyfriend?” “How do you think they ended up in that situation?” Take advantage of every opportunity.

Sound off: How have you started this conversation with your kids?

Huddle up with your kids and ask them, “Where have you learned the most about sex? TV? Internet? Your friends? What do you agree with and disagree with?”