I remember standing in the aisle of my local Barnes & Noble looking at rows and rows of marriage books. There were too many books to count on the topic. So I decided to do what I thought was best—I wrote another one. Clearly, one more book for couples couldn’t hurt, right? I did notice a pattern in many of those books on the shelves in the store. They had a lot of lines similar to, “If you would just ____, then you’d be happy.”
But marriage advice is not a one-size fits all sort of thing. Rarely are you and your spouse on the exact same page at the same time. It’s not as easy as it sounds to feel like a true team in marriage. One of you is usually a little more “Let’s fix this!” than the other. But here’s the kicker: Even if you’re the only one feeling it, you can still make a massive difference. Seriously. Here’s how.
For each of the next seven days, view your marriage through the US mindset. When you have an US mindset, you ask questions like “Today, what am I doing to make this marriage work? For example, if you are always fighting about chores, experiment with what happens when you change your approach. If your spouse is messy and you are neat, don’t say anything about it or roll your eyes. See what happens. If you are messy and your spouse is neat, be as neat as possible for seven days. See what happens. You and I get to choose how we act and respond to our spouses, and that is a beautiful thing. Here are 2 ways to practice an US mindset.
1. Do what makes your wife feel loved.
If your wife loves gifts, buy her one. If she tends to like sex more often than you, have more sex. If your wife loves words of encouragement, write her a note. If she loves affection, kiss her each day for 30 seconds. If your wife wants you to spend time with her, carve out the time. Whatever speaks love to your spouse, speak it. When we love our wives, even when they are irrational, even when their baggage creates an unfair tension, even when they are simply not that lovable, it is powerful for a marriage. It draws them to us. It’ll feel like you’re on a team in marriage.
2. Do what you can to make things work.
When we constantly ask ourselves, “What am I doing to make this marriage work?” and then act on the answers to that question, it’s a beautiful thing for us. Not convinced? Think about this approach in other areas of your life. At work, asking “What am I doing to make my job work for the company?” can make you an unentitled, happier, and more productive employee.
Right now, you may be wondering if I’m from a marriage fantasy land with unicorns and rainbows because you are struggling with real issues. But I promise you there is an unbelievable power in living out the answer to this question: What am I doing to make this marriage work?
The common denominator for thriving couples is a mindset. They are on each other’s team. They serve each other. They appreciate each other. They give each other breaks. They make time together. They communicate to their spouse their love and appreciation for each other. They practice what they promise.
Sound off: What’s one thing you could do to feel more like you’re part of a team in marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to work as a team?”