Sociologist Linda Waite from the University of Chicago did a study of 5232 married adults from a national database. Among them, 64% of those who said they were unhappy but stayed together reported they were happy five years later, while 50% of those who divorced or separated felt as unhappy as they were while together. “Permanent marital unhappiness is surprisingly rare,” Waite says. Something often happens when a couple goes through challenging times together—their relationship is more connected than ever on the other side of the challenges. Think about that if you’re thinking about divorce.
Maybe you’ve had challenges so hard you really are thinking about divorce. And here’s the hard truth: Depending on the circumstances, maybe you should separate or even divorce. If your spouse is abusive, get yourself and your kids safe. If your spouse is unfaithful and is unwilling to change that, divorce might be an option. But after many years of working with couples thinking about divorce and examining much research, I can tell you without hesitation: For most couples, divorce is not the solution to their marital problems. Here are 3 reminders when you’re considering a divorce.
1. Divorce is not the answer because it often makes everything worse.
For example, keeping up two households on the same budget you used to spend on one can be really challenging and, for many, financially devastating.
2. Divorce is not the answer because your marriage can be fixed!
And it’s easier than you may think. In fact, I’m convinced that if most people treated their spouse with the same level of kindness and consideration that they give their coworkers, friends, and even total strangers, their marriages would do a 180. In marriage, many of us give our spouse the worst of us, because we can. If we gave our worst to our jobs, we would be fired. If we gave our worst to our friends, they would find a new friend.
But marriages can be fixed when we change our marital habits. And we can change our marital habits. Because we are adults, we can choose how we respond to our spouse in the same way we choose how we treat the other people in our lives. Children only think about what they want in the moment, but adults know that the moment impacts the long-term relationship. We can all love better. We can choose to love better. I know there are times when this will feel impossible. If you feel this way, it’s a good idea to seek help from a professional counselor.
3. Divorce is not the answer because we can take things day-by-day.
When we choose to love on days when our spouse’s behavior is not lovely, we practice what we promise. When we choose to love our spouse over loving our need to be right, we practice what we promise. When we seek help to understand why we are so short-tempered, we practice what we promise.
When we—day by day, situation by situation—practice what we promise, our marriage can become even more precious than we imagined on the day we said “I do.” It’s something beautiful to behold for our kids, our friends, our families, our neighbors, our coworkers, and even strangers.
Sound off: Have you navigated other challenging relationships in your life?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What would you do if a friend routinely treated you rudely?”