“It’s just a lot of small things he asks me. He pushes too hard. He’s always on me about something.” This is how one college student described his dad, who creates a lot of worry in him. Every time they talk, his dad will ask, “Have you applied for that summer internship yet?” or “Have you been eating right?” And then his dad will lecture him no matter how he answers.
It’s one thing to remind your kid about something. But it’s dangerous to constantly bring up what your kid hasn’t done—especially as he or she is maturing. If you’re constantly in your kid’s face about everything, you’re likely to drive a wedge between you and your child. Here are 3 ways we push kids away.
1. Giving Too Little Freedom
Most of our parents grew up free-range and were told, “Be home before the streetlights come on!” But today, it’s different. As a dad now, on a beautiful, sunny day, I’ll go sit inside a shopping mall and watch my kids play indoors. And I’m not alone: There will be a bunch of other dads there as well. As a whole, parenting today is different from how it once was. Many parents won’t let their kids explore outside or play down the street. And many also won’t let them play in their own fenced-in backyard without watching them.
Could it be that what we interpret as showing love—being attentive, keeping an eye on them, and not letting our kids explore freely for fear that they’ll get hurt—may be driving our kids away? As our kids age and hopefully mature, we need to strategically give more freedom. Doing so will build kids’ confidence in their own abilities and also preserve our relationship with them. If we don’t give kids more freedom as they mature, it’s like telling them we don’t trust them.
2. Giving Too Much Freedom
I grew up with friends whose parents were rarely around, and those friends had bad grades and never listened to authority. They hadn’t learned skills like self-discipline to get work done on time or even how to talk to adults respectfully. It’s our job as parents to teach this to our kids as they grow up. If we don’t set boundaries around what they can and can’t do, they don’t learn the basic skills needed to succeed in school, stay employed once they find jobs, and find happiness in life beyond our roofs. It isn’t mean to say no to our kids when they want more screen time or beg to stay out too late with friends. In fact, kids want us to say no more and set limits. Why? Because it communicates that we care and want the best for them. Don’t be afraid of the argument that may follow. Loving dads need to have a stronger will than their kids and be willing to do what’s right for them, no matter what.
Too much freedom can make your child believe you’re unloving, disconnected, and uninvolved. Kids need boundaries for safety, security, and structure. From stability and structure, kids not only learn but also feel close and cared for by you.
3. Being Inconsistent With Discipline
We often push our kids away with how we discipline. Maybe you say one thing and don’t follow through with it. I’ve been known to set a rule, and the closer I get to bedtime, exhausted from the day, the less I enforce it. And sometimes, when my kid apologizes, throws his arms around my neck, and says how sorry he is, the anger I felt earlier about how he treated his sister (or whatever it was) starts to slip away. When this happens, I sometimes “forget” about discipline altogether! But this communicates an inconsistency to your kids. Little by little, you could be showing your kid you aren’t reliable. Your rules don’t matter. If your kid knows he can’t rely on your word, he will continue with whatever behavior caused the problem, and he might also keep his distance because he can’t trust what you say.
Whatever rules you have, be consistent and follow through—especially when you’re tired. Your kid is more likely to feel close to you when you’re consistent because you’ve shown him or her that you’re trustworthy.
Sound off: Are there ways you think you may push your kids away?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Do you feel like I give you too much freedom or too little and why?”