A comedian told a story about when he was a toddler, and his dad walked out on the family. He said that after that, his father breezed in and out of his life whenever it was convenient. But he was never truly present. In fact, the comedian and his siblings didn’t even have a way to contact him. He would call or show up when he wanted, and sometimes even say he’d come to something, and then not show up. Through all of that, this celebrity still wanted to have a relationship with his dad. But everything changed when he became a dad himself. When he looked at his own child, he couldn’t imagine treating him with the same type of immature, unstable cruelty he endured from his father.
Filled with resentment, the comedian said he stopped speaking to his dad. The anger was probably always there, but having his own kids brought it to the forefront. “My dad was messed up, so I was messed up,” he said—and there was nothing funny about that. I don’t remember his punchline, but this sad story stuck with me. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that people who grew up with absent fathers probably have thought the same things he did. If you’re one of them, there’s hope with the next generation and how you care for your kids. If you’re in a situation where you could be more present for your child, it’s time to take action. Here are 5 effects of absent fathers on child development, along with how to support the kids in your life.
1. Decreased Communication Ability
In the earliest years, a child with both a mother and a father experiences much more communication than a child who doesn’t have a present dad. The child has more direct communication, which includes not just words but also facial expressions, vocal tones, and gestures. With a dad present, children receive twice as much communication. And they also witness communication between the parents.
Countering the Effect: If you grew up without a dad, find an outlet where you can talk about your feelings. Maybe it’s with a friend, a counselor, or a pastor. And if you aren’t able to see your kids often, be sure that when you do, you find activities that involve plenty of opportunities to talk. Play board games, shoot hoops together, or read to them.
2. Decreased Cognitive Ability
A 2013 study by McGill University found that mice without a father present during key developmental stages had different brain development than those with both parents. The prefrontal cortex, which supports cognitive abilities such as impulse control, evaluating consequences, planning, and managing social behavior, didn’t develop properly in mice without fathers. Female mice without fathers even showed a higher sensitivity to amphetamines, so there could be a higher temptation for drug use. All of this is consistent with how kids with absent fathers behave. They have the same problems, and it results in truancy, low scores in school, and more. The decrease in cognitive ability can also influence the next several points.
Counter the Effect: Do activities with your child that increase cognitive ability, like playing chess, solving puzzles, and consistently learning new things.
3. Relational and Behavioral Issues
Kids who grow up without a father often struggle socially. Feeling rejected by their dad, they fear abandonment and struggle with trust, commitment, and intimacy. A father’s absence also often leads to behavioral problems. Kids don’t know how to process their anger or anxiety, especially if they have a diminished ability to communicate, so they lash out. Ultimately, this continues to negatively affect their relationships.
Counter the Effect: Put activities on your calendar for you and your child to look forward to. Whether you live with your children or not, it’s necessary to be intentional with the time you spend with them. The days can pass quickly. We need to put work and other obligations aside and make the effort to be with our kids. And if you grew up with an absent father, consider professional counseling to gain insight, perspective, and relational and behavioral skills that will help you be a better dad to your kids.
4. Mental Health
Children with an absent father grow up without the sense of security a dad provides. A dad’s presence and love give us a greater understanding of our identity and sense of belonging. When it’s absent, it can leave our world feeling shattered and unstable. Due to this fact, children with absent fathers suffer from anxiety and depression in far larger numbers than children with a present mom and dad.
Counter the Effect: When you’re with your kids, be sure to show your love with affection. Hugs are great, but fist bumps, high-fives, and pats on the back also count. Our kids may act too cool for something like a hug, but often, they’ll welcome it if you make the first move. Feeling loved by you goes a long way to ease a child’s worries.
5. Sexual Health and Behavior
Again, due to the fact that children with absent fathers have decreased development in their prefrontal cortex, they can be impulsive. Their ability to see the long-term consequences of their actions is debilitated. Many engage in sexual activity at young ages, which can have dire consequences, including teen pregnancy. Girls growing up without a father can develop an attachment disorder and see sex as a way to fulfill a male connection.
Counter the Effect: Don’t let your kids learn about sex on their own, especially kids who’ve spent time without a father present. Yes, it can be an uncomfortable thing to talk about, but it’s something they should learn from you, and not the internet. And say goodbye to “the talk.” It’s talks—plural. Treat this topic as an ongoing conversation.
Sound off: What are some other possible effects of absent fathers on child development?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How do you think you’ve been impacted by your parents?”