“Dad, that’s so weird.” If I had a quarter for every time I heard that while parenting teens, I would be retired now. As a teen, the last thing you want to do is be “different.” The desire is to be accepted in the group. You want to be “normal.” This is developmentally appropriate, but it can also be a strong player in your teen (and you) making really bad choices.
When parenting teens, we are constantly faced with the challenge of wanting them to feel like they “fit in” while also being willing to go against the flow and be their own person. This is especially true in instances when they face peer pressure or social norms that are actually bad for them. Here are 5 norms to push back on with your teen, even though they might be weird.
1. The Need for Friend Groups
I’ve seen a move from “friends” to “friend groups” for my teens. The desire is not simply to have a few good friends, but to have a social group that you identify with. My teens saw this as a social necessity. But it brings with it a lot of drama. When Adam Grant interviewed clinical psychologist Lisa Damour on his Rethinking podcast, Dr. Damour specifically called out this trend. “I’m not a fan of friend groups,” she said. “We have a pretty solid evidence base that the least stressed and thus happiest kids have one or two good friends.”
If your teen has a friend group she’s identified with, and it’s good for her, great! But if not, don’t stress. If she has one or two close friends, she’s doing pretty well. Encourage her in that regard.
2. Attachment to a Phone
How to handle phones with teens is a perpetual challenge. On the one hand, phones are almost a necessity. They’ve become such a part of everyday life that to not allow your teen to have a phone at all could create social isolation. On the other hand, to talk about addiction and phone use is not hyperbole. A 2016 Common Sense Media survey reported that approximately 50% of teens “feel addicted” to their phones. Given that study is nearly 10 years old, it’s hard to imagine the numbers aren’t higher now.
Blocking all access to your teen’s phone is probably not helpful, but working with your teen to identify appropriate boundaries most definitely is. Talk to your teen about his phone usage. Work together to develop strategies that help him engage in a healthy way.
3. Disengagement From Parents
Teens famously look to create space in their relationship with their parents. This is developmentally appropriate but it can also create a dilemma for parents. Do I just back off? Do I lean in? How do I handle this so I don’t drive her further away? Dr. Damour said that “healthy teenagers are meaningfully connected to adults.”
While this shouldn’t only be parents, it should certainly start there. Look for ways to give your teen her space, but also make clear that you’re interested in her. Ask questions. Listen without judgment. Be present. She may not know how to say it matters, but know that it does. An important part of parenting teens is staying meaningfully connected.
4. “Othering”
There is such a fear of being an outsider that often a teen who is different for whatever reason becomes something of a scapegoat who gets identified as the ”other.” This teen can then experience rejection from social groups and even bullying to varying degrees.
While it’s heartbreaking if it happens to your teen, it’s also possible that your teen is participating in the “other-ing” of another. It’s not uncommon for otherwise kind teens to get caught up in this as a way of self-protection. They think if they don’t participate, they too will be treated as the “other” and rejected.
In parenting teens, it’s critical that we talk to them about having the courage to stand up for those being excluded. Resist the urge both to breathe a sigh of relief if it’s not your kid and to overly vilify those doing the “other-ing.” Instead, help your child develop empathy and compassion for those involved and the courage to model something different.
5. Cheating
Cheating is prevalent among teens. According to the Education Testing Service, 75% of students confessed to having cheated. And that’s the ones who were honest about it! The reasons for this are varied, but one of the most common reasons is academic pressure to perform. According to the Public School Review, cheating is highest among college-bound kids. With the prevalence of smart phones, the internet, and now AI, it’s become increasingly difficult to identify cheating, let alone to curb it.
Talk to your kids about the kind of people you want them to become—and what kind of people they want to be. Parenting teens is not simply about behavior modification. It’s about character development. Ask your teen if he cheats (his honesty may surprise you) and why. Work to identify ways you’ve focused on performance over character and start emphasizing the latter. Our job as parents should be more focused on raising good people than on high-performing ones.
Sound off: What other norms should we push back on while parenting teens?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What can kids do OTHER than cheating when there’s a test coming up but they’re feeling unprepared for it?”