My 4-year-old daughter is an aspiring artist. She’s not Vincent van Gogh quite yet, but she is well on her way. Her latest gloppy project was a fish-shaped, squiggly line of glue with every shade of glitter mixed in. She beamed when she presented it to me, sure that I’d gush over it. I made a big deal over her creation, which miraculously didn’t stick to my hand. “Thank you for thinking of me,” I said with a hug. My favorable reaction was a simple decision, but it made her so happy.
I want my daughter to remember that Dad always made a big deal about the things she worked hard to complete. But I always want her to understand that my love is not conditional. Her ability to draw well, run fast, play music, or anything else has no bearing on my love for her. She has immense value simply because she’s a person. If we want our kids to know that, we have to be intentional with our words, time, and actions. If you want your kids to understand their true worth, here are 5 small decisions that show your kids their value.
1. Bite your tongue.
It seems like Parenting 101, but we definitely should not say everything that comes to mind to or around our kids. Instead, choose your words carefully, considering what kind of feelings they may stir up. Colossians 3:21 asks dads not to “exasperate” their children. That’s a big deal, because what you say to and about your kids influences how they view themselves. Biting your tongue means not saying things that would call into question how special, irreplaceable, and unique they are. Limit those negative words.
2. Give compliments freely.
Conversely, be free with your positive words! Compliments are like jet fuel for a kid’s self-esteem. That’s because when you say something like “You’re such a good artist!” your child actually hears something else: “I see you and love you.” Compliments affirm that you notice and cherish your kids. We discuss how powerful this is during episode 37 of the All Pro Dad podcast. Complimenting their character, decisions, and attitude tells kids their value is tied to who they are, not just what they do.
3. Put your phone away.
A favorite scripture verse of mine is Psalm 127:3, which says, “Children are a gift from the Lord.” God gifted me with three kids. They are precious to me, yet I constantly catch myself looking at my cell phone while my kids are in the room. It’s problematic. Surely, they have looked up and seen me scrolling Instagram. I hope when it happens, that they don’t conclude that my phone is more important to me than they are. To make sure that’s not the case, I try to put it away as much as possible. Our attention gravitates to what we deem most valuable. I want to give plenty of attention to my kids.
4. Choose people over machines.
It may sound silly, but when I’m with my kids I try to not to use the self-checkout lane at the store. I deliberately choose to interact with a real-life employee. I’m all for convenience, but I want my kids to value connection over speed. Will I have to wait a few extra minutes to buy my milk and bread? Probably. But that short interaction with a cashier demonstrates to my kids that others are valuable. Hopefully that reminds my kids that they are, too.
5. Make purposeful eye contact.
I learned something about communication by reading Matthew 19. Jesus established eye contact with the “astonished” crowd before teaching, saying “With God, all things are possible.” The words are important, but the eye contact caught my attention. He took the time to connect with his eyes and added punch to the message. We can do this with our kids. Eye contact communicates to others that whatever they’re saying, feeling, or doing matters to you. As parents, we need to make eye contact a habit. Looking our kids in the eye is a small decision, but one that says we’re present, not distracted, and genuinely interested in them.
Sound off: How do you value a child with your small decisions?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?”