When we were young parents, we were determined to learn all we could to minimize our parenting mistakes. We attended parenting classes, read parenting books, watched parenting videos, asked for parenting advice from older parents… If there was a resource, we found it and used it to be the best parents we could be. And yet, we still made mistakes—lots of them.
As I’m sure you know, you just can’t parent perfectly. Parenting mistakes are part of the landscape. However, you can parent in such a way that your mistakes don’t define your parenting. In fact, there are some parenting hacks that enable you to leverage mistakes in such a way that you use them as valuable teaching tools. In that way, you can virtually mistake-proof your parenting. How? Here are 7 ways.
1. Learn to apologize.
Saying, “I was wrong and I’m sorry” to anyone is difficult. But it can be especially tough to say to our kids. Maybe this is because it feels shameful or we’re embarrassed or we think it’s our job to always get it right. But of course, that’s impossible. And when you are quick to respond to parenting mistakes by apologizing, you both build trust with your kid and model humility in a way that sets them up well for future relationships.
2. Be quick to forgive.
Your kid is going to mess up. She will disobey or yell at you or make choices that drive you crazy. Be quick to forgive. Why? Because your child needs to know that it’s OK to make mistakes. This can set her free from the destructive voices of her inner critic. And if you’re quick to forgive your child, you’ll likely raise a child who is quick to forgive you and your parenting mistakes.
3. Laugh at yourself.
The vast majority of parenting mistakes people make are not fatal (thank goodness!). Learn to laugh at yourself. Not only will laughing at your own mistakes free you up to take yourself less seriously and reduce your anxiety around being the perfect parent, but it will model a non-anxious presence for your child, which can have a transformative impact on his or her development.
4. Ask questions.
Parents who are unwilling to say “I don’t know” will inevitably create an environment in which they cannot learn and grow along with their child. But if you will humbly ask your child questions around why she would do what she did or why she is angry at you or how you could do a better job listening to her or being present, then you will model for your children that healthy adults aren’t perfect; they’re learners.
5. Take risks.
Playing it safe is rarely the key to deep formative work in yourself and your children. Sometimes you need to step out and try things. Cook a new meal. Pick up a new hobby with your kids. Take a day and visit a new city. Why? Because you’ll make some mistakes and be put in situations where you and your kid have to figure some things out together. It’s a great way to teach your kid the value of making mistakes and learning and having fun along the way. In this way, mistakes become opportunities.
6. Seek out help.
You need help to parent, period. But parenting is the type of thing that can lead us to isolate from those we most need when we most need them. Have the courage to reach out. Ask for help. Listen to podcasts. Read books. Get coffee with a friend. No advice is perfect, but much of it can be helpful. The more you isolate, the less wisdom you have. And wisdom is more important than perfection.
7. Enjoy your kids.
Believe it or not, your kids can tell if you like them. Granted, you won’t always like them. When he’s rolling his eyes at you or she’s slamming her door, you won’t be thinking, “Gosh, I want to hang out tonight.” But in general you need to spend time with your kids that allows them to see you genuinely enjoy their presence. Play together, be interested, laugh together. If your child feels liked by you, there’s much more margin for error. The biggest failure is raising kids who think you can’t be bothered with them.
Sound off: How have you navigated parenting mistakes in your family?
For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s something you’ve done that was super embarrassing when you did it but that you can laugh about now?”