If you’re like me, parenting sometimes feels like you’re just making it through another day. There’s so much going on that we can often feel like we’re just reacting. This is completely understandable, but it can lead us to play the short-game. We get caught up in managing our teen’s behavior rather than shaping our teen’s character.
The good news is, it’s never too late to begin playing the long game. We can look for opportunities in everyday, mundane challenges and celebrations to encourage a teen toward becoming the best version of him or herself. Here are 9 times you should shape your teen’s character.
1. When He Doesn’t Make the Team
How do we respond when our kids fail? Failure is a great opportunity for a teen’s character development. It helps him learn that the goal isn’t winning; it’s growth. It teaches him resilience and courage. As Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
2. When Her Team Wins
Just as failure is an opportunity for growth, so is success. Winning well is almost as difficult as losing well. This is especially true for teens as they are developmentally self-focused and can see success as a means of self-validation. Very often, our response to her success will model for her what true success is. We need to be attuned to our teen’s character more than to her success.
3. When He Wants Something He Can’t Afford
It stinks to tell your teen no when he wants those concert tickets or the new car, especially when all his friends seem to be getting those things. However, having limits can be a really good thing. It creates an opportunity for innovation and creativity. It encourages hard work and the ability to delay gratification. These are critical skills for healthy adults but require a little disappointment now and then.
4. When Her Friends Exclude Someone
We dread the thought of our kids being excluded by other kids in school. But do we ever stop to ask, “How does my teen respond when her friends exclude someone?” What if she participates in or initiates the excluding? Do we silently breathe a sigh of relief that she isn’t the one being excluded? Or do we challenge her to be willing to risk her own social capital for the sake of caring for others?
5. When He Hates His Job
Many teens end up with jobs they don’t like. So what do we do when that happens? Do we encourage him to find something he likes better? Or do we challenge him to bring his best to the job, even when he doesn’t like it? Far too often, we underestimate our ability to shape the environment we’re in. This is a great opportunity for a teen to learn his power to make a difference.
6. When She Gets Excluded
What if she is the one who gets excluded or picked on? How do we want her to respond? This is painful, and she needs our empathy. But she doesn’t need us to go off on what jerks her peers are. Instead, she needs to be reminded that she is strong enough to make it through this, and she needs to be taught about the need for healthy boundaries with toxic people.
7. When Lying Is Easier
Often, teens can’t see beyond what they want. Lying to a friend or cheating on a test can easily be excused by believing that the end justifies the means. But how important is the truth? Is it worth sacrificing for? A teen’s character will be shaped deeply by how he understands the value of truth. And how much he values truth often depends on the example we set.
8. When He Sees Someone Panhandling
There are a variety of ways to respond to someone you encounter panhandling. I’m not here to say what the appropriate response is for all people, other than that all people are worthy of dignity and respect. How does your teen respond when he encounters someone in this, or in any uncomfortable situation? Does he take the easy road, looking the other way, avoiding the discomfort, or does he treat the person with dignity, even if it’s uncomfortable?
9. When His Teacher Treats Him Unfairly
Teachers are human. Sometimes, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they may play favorites. As unfair as this is, it is also a prime opportunity for your teen’s character development. Can he choose to persevere in the midst of what seems unjust? Your response will be key in modeling a different way for him.
Sound off: What moments were most formative for you as a teen?
For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you could choose to work any job in the world, which job would you pick?”