I was scrolling through Instagram reels the other day and came across a married couple. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Hey, I saw a woman at the store who looked exactly like you!” The wife’s face tightened and she said sternly, “Really? Was she good looking?” Immediately the smile left the husband’s face as he realized this was one of his wife’s trick questions. He got himself into a minefield and needed to carefully navigate his way out.
It was a pretty funny video and was total satire, but the truth is, plenty of husbands find themselves in this position. They’re having a nice conversation or they’re simply watching TV when all of a sudden, their wives ask a question, and they feel like they’ve fallen into a trap. More often then not, our wives aren’t giving us trick questions to manipulate or start a fight. There’s a need being expressed. We just need to pay attention and figure out what that need is. Here are the top 5 of your wife’s trick questions and how best to respond.
1. “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
Assuming you think the outfit doesn’t look good, this question can be difficult. I know your immediate reaction is to say no. That can backfire because she wants authenticity, not just an immediate reaction that gets you out of trouble. You need to think about her. More than likely, your wife wants one of two things: affirmation or information. Sometimes, she wants both. Try probing by asking her how she thinks it looks. Perhaps ask, “Sounds like you don’t think this outfit makes you look good. Why?” All women are unique, so there’s not one right answer, and you need to try to clue into the question behind the question. You may want to ask her if she’s feeling insecure and why she’s feeling that way. That can give you an opportunity to affirm her if that’s what she’s looking for. Here’s a simple response that has worked well in my marriage that incorporates affirmation and information: “I think you’re really attractive. But I don’t think this dress brings out all the beautiful things about you and your body. Do you have another option?” It’s not about her not looking great or her attractiveness; it’s about the outfit being wrong.
2. “Do you think she’s pretty?”
Again, the snap response “NO!” will only make her feel like you’re lying. It’s OK to say, “Um. Yeah, she’s pretty.” If this makes her upset, there are several things to consider. One, when is the last time you told your wife she’s pretty? If you haven’t told her in a while, you need to step up your game in that department. If she’s still upset, then let her know that just because you think a woman is pretty doesn’t mean you want a relationship with her. Remind her that she’s the only one for you.
3. “What are you thinking about?”
This can be an easy one to answer honestly when you’re thinking about something important. But if you’re like me, you often think about ridiculous things that you don’t feel like explaining, like the Roman Empire. Apparently, many men think about the Roman Empire. Are you one? Others of us sit around thinking of absolutely nothing. And women will never understand our ability to literally think about nothing. Just tell her, “I have no idea. Nothing meaningful. My mind is just wandering.”
4. “Do you love me?”
Naturally, you’ll want to say, “Of course!” You might even feel a little irritated that she would question how you feel about her or feel defensive, like you’ve done something wrong. Primarily, she’s feeling insecure about herself. Stop what you’re doing and take her question seriously. Look her in the eyes and say, “Yes, I love you.” Then ask, “Can I ask where this is coming from?” Find out what is causing her to ask the question. Maybe she just needed to hear it.
5. “Why don’t you ever…?”
She’s mad. One of her friend’s husband’s has probably done something thoughtful for her friend and you haven’t done something similar for her in a while. Or she’s asked you to do a task and you haven’t done it. The best thing you can do is own it. “I’m sorry I haven’t done that for you. I honestly didn’t think it was that important to you. Now that I know it is, I’ll do it more moving forward. You deserve it.” Then you actually need to follow through.
Sound off: What are some of your wife’s trick questions and helpful, honest answers you can give?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Have you ever been asked a question you were afraid to answer?”