When you’re raising a child, you want the best for him or her. We want our kids to get a great education, have opportunities we didn’t have, make more money than we made… We spend significant portions of our time and energy working to ensure that our kids have a good life.
However, in doing so, we sometimes inadvertently set our kids up to fail. Raising a child is hard because it’s not always the most obvious things that create the biggest challenges for them. Here are 7 ways to set kids up for failure.
1. Teach your child his needs are paramount.
We invest so much in our kids that if we’re not careful, we accidentally teach them that they are the center of the universe. When we do this, we set them up so that the person they most think about is themselves. When raising a child, we need to help him have a healthy sense of self-worth while also learning that a good life is an others-centered one.
2. Gossip a lot.
It’s easy to slip into gossip about the neighbors or that family member or the people who sit in front of you at church. And while we think it’s harmless, our kids are listening and learning. A child who sees her parents gossip a lot will learn to engage in gossip herself. When raising a child, we need to remember that kids listen more than we think. If we’re regularly using our words to tear others down, we’ll raise kids who do the same.
3. Never let her see you fight.
We often try to avoid arguing when our kids are around. The problem is, conflict is part of any close relationship, including the healthy ones. If our kids don’t see us model healthy conflict, they’ll likely struggle to argue well. Of course, this requires us to learn to fight well, too. Otherwise, we withhold from our kids the opportunity to learn how to do it.
4. Don’t talk about sensitive topics with him.
It’s normal to struggle to discuss sensitive topics with our children (think sex, politics, religion). We’re uncomfortable, so we just avoid it. But in so doing, we miss out on critical conversations that our child needs to have. When raising a child, have the courage to engage in the tough conversations. He may roll his eyes or complain, but your job isn’t to make him happy; it’s to offer direction in areas he needs your help to navigate.
5. Do everything you can to make her life easy.
It’s good to want your child to have a better life than you did. However, sometimes we forget how formative it was for us to have to work hard for a first car or stand up for ourselves in a social situation. It’s tempting to substitute easy for good. But we have to fight against that. Our goal is to raise good people, not comfortable ones. Don’t rescue your child from difficulty—equip her to navigate it.
6. Complain often.
If you’re the type of person who often complains in front of your kids, you’re teaching them that they are victims and that their only recourse is complaining. Not only is this unproductive, it’s annoying to everyone around you. When raising a child, it’s important to model a hopefulness that leads to right action. If the only tool you give your child in the face of hardship is complaining, you’re teaching him helplessness rather than empowering him to bring about change.
7. Spend your evenings in front of the TV.
After a long day, it’s easy to want to come home and get lost in a show or sporting event. This is fine on occasion, but doing it too often deprives your kids of the opportunity to learn how to have meaningful family interactions. When your kids have children of their own, they’ll be ill-equipped to engage well. When raising a child, how you connect with him or her regularly is how he or she will learn to connect with others. Your engagement can literally be a gift to generations.
Sound off: What other choices do we make that risk setting our kids up for failure?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some better things you could do when you’re tempted to complain about something?”