3 Things We’re Doing Differently the Second Time Around

We were relatively young when we had our kids—in our early 20s, which is great in many ways. We had energy and passion… and idealism. We weren’t going to be “those” parents. And by “those” parents, I mean we had a list of actions we observed other parents doing that we thought were ridiculous and were never going to do with our kids (if only I could read this to you, perhaps you’d catch the twinge of self-righteousness). Then, of course, we had kids, four of them. And we learned pretty quickly that we actually had no idea what we were doing.

I think this is actually true for most parents, young or not. You don’t know what you don’t know. And there’s not really a manual for this thing called parenting (which is why websites like this one exist!). Now I find myself in my mid-40s with grown kids and starting over as second-time parents. We’ve been fostering kids for years and recently adopted a 3-year-old and a 1-and-a-half-year-old. While we still are far from experts, we’ve definitely learned a few things, and as second-time parents, we’re making changes. Here are 3 things we’re doing differently the second time around.

1. We don’t aim at perfection.

When we parented the first time, we were really anxious about getting everything right. We were perfectionists, sure that every parenting misstep would possibly do irreparable damage. And yet, despite our attempt to be perfect parents, we fell short time and time again. And, despite all that, we discovered that our kids became pretty amazing people anyway. They also make a lot of mistakes and have many times done things that left us wondering what idiots parented them. And that’s kind of the point. We certainly have the ability to shape our kids, but they also make decisions for themselves, sometimes because of our parenting and sometimes in spite of it.

Good parenting certainly matters, but by “good” I don’t mean “devoid of errors.” I mean loving, humble, thoughtful, and courageous. So as second-time parents, we’re spending less time worried about “getting it right” and more time focused on how to love them well. Don’t get me wrong, occasionally we slip into perfection mode, but we let go of that a lot quicker and easier now than we did the first time around (maybe because you get tired quicker in your forties?).

2. We do more together.

The first time around, we used the “divide and conquer” strategy a lot. For one, we had four kids, and as you know, it’s difficult to do anything with any level of efficiency with one kid let alone four! But, if I’m honest, part of that was because I was pretty consumed with my career. My wife wanted to stay home with the kids, so that’s what we did. I worked, she stayed at home. But sometimes that led me to think my job was just, well, my job. And it was her job to manage the kids, and I’d step in when I could. That strategy left a lot to be desired. For one, I missed a lot of moments with my kids I didn’t need to miss. But also, I missed opportunities to be in it with my wife like I could’ve been.

As second-time parents, we simply do more together. Again, some of that is by necessity. We get tired a lot more quickly. But some of that is realizing that this time goes by quickly and we want to enjoy it together. Certainly that doesn’t mean we never divide and conquer. But we’re much more intentional about trying to do things together. And it’s not only been good for the kids, but it’s also been really good for us.

3. We think a lot about their environment.

One of the things we’ve noticed as our kids have gotten older is how deeply they were shaped by the environment they were in. In fact, I would say that they were shaped as much or more by their environment growing up as they were by us. When I say environment, I mean peers, but also more than just that. It was the school they were raised in, the affluence of our community, the general political leanings of our community, the people in our church.  So much of how they see the world was shaped by that experience. Some of that was wonderful, but some of it wasn’t.

As second-time parents, we’re paying a lot more attention to their environment. This is heightened by the fact that the kids we’re parenting now are of a different ethnicity than we are. So we’re even more focused on what the environment teaches them about who they are and who they can become. Keeping in mind the first point of this blog, that we’ll never get it all right, and that’s OK, we do have a much stronger value for paying attention to their environment than we did that first time around.

Sound off: What lessons have you learned from parenting that you’d share with a younger parent?