“Dad, I really wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, but I can see how that came across the wrong way.” I’d just been trying to convince my teenage son that he’d disrespected me. He chose to understand where I was coming from, while at the same time expressing to me where he was coming from when he said it. It was a learning experience for both of us in better understanding one another. For that to happen, I had to consider my child’s perspective.
Sometimes, parents are guilty of only seeing things through their own limited perspective. This fails to take into account your child’s perspective and how what he or she sees or feels might be something completely different but also valid. But you’ll be surprised by the way your perspective will change when you give your child’s perspective a fighting chance.
Your child’s perspective might not be what you think it is.
As parents, what we think about our children is sometimes diametrically opposed to what they think about us. For example:
Parent: “My child isn’t interested in talking to me.”
Child: “Why don’t my parents ever talk to me? Why does it seem like they don’t care?”
As parents, we may feel like we’re giving our children needed space, but most often, our kids want to know that we’re interested in them and their lives. In a negative way, our silence can speak even louder than our words. Even if they act like it doesn’t matter when we ask about their day or speak into them, they want to know that we care, and they deserve to know that, even when they don’t return the favor.
Consider initiating conversation. Another example:
Parent: “My child doesn’t understand how easy they have it.”
Child: “My parents don’t understand the struggles I’m going through.”
Living in an age of endless technology, moral confusion, and online bullying, it’s never been harder to be a kid than it is today. All kids have issues they are struggling through. And all kids need parents who are sympathetic to their needs and are willing to help them navigate life’s complexities. While there may be some value in helping your kids understand the challenges of your way of life growing up, there is far greater value in you understanding the challenges of their way of life right now. You are their parent for a good reason—they need a guide to prepare them for the realities of life.
Consider empathizing when you notice them dealing with something difficult that you didn’t have to deal with at their age. Another example:
Parent: “My kids are too busy to want to spend time with us.”
Child: “Sometimes, I feel unseen by my parents in my own house.”
Acknowledging your kids’ presence both verbally and physically can go a long way in making them feel seen and loved. This may be as simple as a “good morning” to start the day or asking how their day was when entering the front door after work. It could be a daily hug before bed, or a gentle pat on the back as you pass by to express care.
Consider making more of an effort to acknowledge your kids’ presence and their value.
And your efforts here won’t be in vain.
In multiple ways every day, your child needs to be both seen and heard. Every child should not just have a room but a voice in the family. Give them both a space and a say in your home, and not only will it benefit them now, but it’s more likely that one day, they’ll return the favor to your grandchildren.
The key to changing perspective as a parent almost always involves intentional conversations and learning to understand your kids rather than just seeking to be understood by them. This requires that we expect first of ourselves what we naturally expect of them—teachability.
Which of your child’s perspectives do you have the hardest time understanding?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What could I do that would make you feel more understood?”