I have learned a lot about being open and honest in marriage from my friends Payden and Lane. In addition to raising two young boys, Payden and Lane own and personally run a gym. Payden said she used to get so frustrated with how often Lane came home late. She was always thinking, “All day, I’ve handled the business side of the gym from home, all while taking care of the kids. I’ve made dinner. The kids want to see their dad, yet he can’t be bothered to be on time.” In her mind, if the class was over at 7 p.m. and it’s a 15-minute commute, then he should be home by 7:30 at the latest. When he wasn’t home by the time she thought he should be, she was cold to him when he finally did arrive.
Then one night, during a date, Payden learned the importance of sharing feelings in a relationship. She explained that she felt like he would rather be at the gym than with his family. Lane responded by saying that he wanted to be home but felt a huge pressure to make the gym work to support their family. He said he felt torn between wanting to be home with the family and providing for the family. Being willing to share their hurt and their fear was a game changer. Having the courage to speak freely and honestly is a game changer for marriages. Here are 2 doors that open in marriage when we say what’s on our mind.
1. You introduce empathy.
Payden was wise to dig beneath the anger to find the hurt that led to the truth. Lane was wise to reassure Payden instead of getting defensive. Payden said this information not only led to more empathy but also led to her characterizing her husband in a new way. Her thoughts around him totally changed. They still have the issue of her wanting him to spend more time with her and the boys, but now Payden approaches the tension thinking about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy about Lane.
What you can do: Try sharing one small, vulnerable feeling with your wife today, and actively listen to her response. Put yourself in her shoes without judging. Be attentive and repeat back what she is saying to show you truly understand her point of view.
2. Solutions appear.
Now knowing the importance of sharing feelings in a relationship, Payden and Lane have worked on the problem more constructively over the years. They have struck a balance that works for the family. The business is more established now, employing more people who are able to stay late and talk with clients, so Lane can come home at a more consistent time. Sometimes, when a later night is unavoidable, Payden and the boys bring Lane dinner. The boys enjoy playing at the gym, and Payden and Lane both get to connect with their clients in a more casual way. And when it is really important for him to be home at an exact time, she tells him in a different way.
Payden said, “Now, when people tell me about a meaningful conversation Lane had with their teenager or about how they changed their mind about something after talking to Lane, I can hear their positive thoughts and feelings. Prior to that, I would have rolled my eyes and thought, ‘Sure, he makes time to talk to you, but he’s never home when I expect him to be.'”
This solution, this connection, started with her seeking to think of her spouse in a more positive light. You and I can do the same.
What you can do: Think about a recurring tension point in your relationship. Get out your calendar and set aside time this week to discuss potential solutions to your tension point. Make a game plan to address that problem and use that as a framework when new ones arise in the future.
Sound off: Share about a time you shared your feelings with your wife, or she shared her feelings with you, and it actually eliminated some tension in your relationship.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s the best way to handle it when somebody hurts your feelings?”