It was our first Christmas together as a married couple, and I thought I had purchased my wife the perfect gift—a Snowbabies figurine. I took into consideration all the things I knew about my wife to select the perfect gift. Inexpensive. We didn’t have much money, and she doesn’t like financial surprises. Neutral colors. Everything in her closet is white, black, or tan. And finally, it can’t be clothes. I’m 100% confident that would go way wrong.
I thought I had nailed the gift. Wrong. She was so sweet as she tried to lie that she loved it. I continued to drop the ball until last Christmas. Early in the year, I started taking notes when she casually mentioned something she liked. Christmas hit, and I was ready because I had finally started to notice. But this isn’t just true for gift buying; it’s true for all areas of our marriage. Here are 8 things to know about your partner.
1. Likes and Dislikes
My wife will never like small shops where she feels like the store employees are watching her. She’s not a thief; she’s an introvert. This dislike will never change. On the other hand, my wife used to not want house plants, and now she loves them. These are small examples, but knowing your wife’s likes and dislikes applies to the big stuff too.
2. Dreams and Goals
What does your wife dream of doing professionally and personally? What are her current goals? Does she enjoy planning for her goals and dreams, or would she rather just enjoy the hope or thought of them?
3. Fears and Insecurities
Sometimes your wife’s reaction may seem too large or unfair. Instead of getting angry, ask yourself, “Did I touch a fear or insecurity of hers that I’ve forgotten about or am not aware of?” For example, if you feel like your wife’s response to spending is too large, ask yourself what’s beneath it.
4. Past Experiences and Memories
What are your wife’s favorite experiences and memories as a child, teenager, or adult? What are her most hurtful memories? Those experiences and memories have hurt her, helped her, and shaped her. The more you listen to your wife, the more you know how to love her.
5. Family and Relationship History
There is much to be said here. But continually learning about how your spouse’s family of origin impacted how she shows up in the world is huge. It helps you to know how to support and protect her.
6. Pet Peeves and Triggers
Do you ever try to convince your wife that her pet peeves and triggers are not OK? That never works, 100% of the time. I use the blender every day. My wife wants me to put it back in the cabinet every day. I will not understand this until Jesus takes me home. But it makes her happy, it only takes 45 seconds, and she is adorable. I don’t need to know why; I just need to know.
7. Love Languages
In his bestselling book The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman explains that we tend to love like we want to be loved instead of the way our spouse wants to be loved. Find out if your wife’s love language is acts of service, words of encouragement, quality time, physical touch, or gifts. Once you know, speak her language.
8. Stressors and Coping Mechanisms
Knowing what stresses your person out and how she deals with it is huge. I know after my wife has been around a lot of people, she is out of words and needs some alone time. It has nothing to do with me; she just needs what she needs. So I say to myself, “Ted, rest your voice.”
Sound off: What is something new you have learned lately about your wife?
Huddle up and with your kids and ask, “What’s one of your favorite memories?”