“You’ve never said that before,” my wife said, obviously shocked. I had just told her the reason I made a recent work transition: because I care about her and knew it mattered a lot to her. I thought this was obvious, but it was clearly news to her. In that moment, I realized there are many more things I think are “obvious” about how I feel about my wife that actually need to be said.
How about you? Are there “obvious” things to say to your wife that you don’t say because you think she must surely know? But what if she doesn’t? What if you took opportunities every day to encourage your wife with just a word or two? You just need to make a little effort. Here are 5 things you need to say to your wife more frequently.
1. You’re a great mom.
Most moms are hyper-critical of themselves. Your wife is probably no different. She worries about making the right choices and agonizes over mistakes or missteps. The voices in her head regularly tell her she’s horrible at this and that your kids are going to grow up to hate her and live on the street. OK, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but you get the point. But it is much more likely that she’s a fantastic mom who loves her kids and sacrifices for them regularly. Tell her that. Tell her often. Be her biggest cheerleader. She needs it.
2. I thought of you when…
How often do you send your wife a text or call her just to tell her you’re thinking about her? If you’re like me, you did it all the time while you were dating. Granted, we didn’t have texting. I had to buy a prepaid phone card to tell her how many times during the week she crossed my mind. How much easier is it now—and how much less do we do it? Take the time to let her know you think about her all the time. Share that funny anecdote from work or the Instagram reel that made you laugh. Share the song that’s running through your head or the memory that came up in social media. Letting her know how much you think of her is a great way to communicate “I love you” without saying it.
3. I was wrong.
One of the things to say to your wife often is that you are, in fact, wrong. It’s a hard thing to admit. No one likes to say “I was wrong,” which is funny because each of us is wrong regularly. But too often in marriage we feel a sense of defensiveness. We feel the need to protect ourselves, to stay guarded. But the reality is that a marriage can’t grow if there isn’t vulnerability. Having the courage to say “I was wrong” can serve as a significant step toward building trust and safety. If you can be wrong, then so can she. And so can your kids. Before you know it, “I was wrong” becomes a liberating phrase for you and an empowering one for your wife and others. Learn to say it frequently.
4. You’re really good at that.
Undoubtedly your wife is good at stuff. We already established she’s probably a good mom. But likely she’s also good at her job, or at fixing things or singing or public speaking. There’s something she does better than most on a somewhat regular basis. And, undoubtedly, she struggles with insecurity around this thing. So once again, learn to be your wife’s biggest cheerleader. Build her up. Brag in front of others about how good she is at this thing. Make it obvious how proud you are of her. It’s a huge gift for her to know you’re her biggest fan.
5. You look beautiful.
You and your wife might not look the same as you did when you met, but your wife is still beautiful. Beauty is deeper than fitting into some cultural image of attractiveness. It’s about who she is and even more, who she is to you. So make a point to tell her she’s beautiful. Notice when she wears that new dress or gets her hair done. Telling her she’s beautiful is one of the things to say to your wife that can build her up when she’s self-critical, and it reminds her that even as the years pass by, you’re still head over heels for her.
Sound off: What’s one thing you say to your wife regularly that makes her feel valued?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is one thing you wish I’d say to you more often?”