Thanksgiving Jokes for the Dinner Table
It’s Thanksgiving, one of my favorite days of the year. There’s nothing better than gathering together with loved ones for football, parades, and food. Soon the table will be set, the turkey will be dressed, and everyone will sit down together. In my house, we love to laugh. We thought we would share some of our favorite jokes and riddles with you and spread some laughter in your house today. We hope these bring a smile to you and your family. Please enjoy these kid-friendly Thanksgiving jokes as well as jokes from stand-up comedian Steven Wright.
Kid Thanksgiving Jokes:
- If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Gladys. Gladys who? Gladys Thanksgiving. Aren’t you?
- Where do you find a turkey with no legs? Exactly where you left it
- What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
- Why didn’t the turkey play the drums after dinner? Because someone had eaten his drumsticks
- What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi
Stand up comedian Steven Wright:
- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
- Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
- My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- What’s another word for Thesaurus?
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
- When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
- The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
- I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I went to get it, it was gone.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row!”
- I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!
- In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
- The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, Your Honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
- I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
- I was born by Cesarean section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
- Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors.
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Sound off: What are some of your favorite clean Thanksgiving jokes?