10 Ways to Establish Clear Boundaries for Children

Remember “The Ten Commandments?” There’s a reason Moses didn’t call them the “Ten Suggestions.”

Think about it. Think about life without rules. How much fun would football be with no rules? Imagine tennis without a net? How about kicking a field goal absent the goal posts? “Well, we’re fuzzy about the whole idea of scoring. It’s pretty much a grey area so far as we’re concerned…”

What!?! The ball either went between the uprights, or it didn’t. The puck either crosses the line (goal), or it doesn’t (no goal). If you touch a soccer ball with your hands, the play is dead—end of story. Once we understand the parameters of the game, we can play our hearts out because we know exactly what’s at stake.

At school, rules are the only way to make sense of a classroom. Consistency puts everyone at ease because teachers and students both know what to expect. The fact is; there’s more freedom inside a clear framework than when the guidelines are taken away.

Life is no different at home. Children enjoy the liberty that boundaries provide. Discipline is simply making sure the boundaries are clear. A home with no rules is a home with little freedom and less joy.

We believe a happy home is a family with clear expectations and fair consequences. Here are some parenting guidelines when it comes to child discipline:

1. Be trustworthy:

   Discipline based on trust is life enhancing. Training children seldom works in the absence of trust.

2. Less is more:

   Follow the guideline of a special education teacher we know. “Five rules respected 100% of the time are better than 20 rules with haphazard compliance.”

3. Be precise:

   Miscommunication is not the way to establish a positive environment. Effective communication works. It pays to make sure everyone is on the same page.

4. Involve the kids in the design:

   Have a family pow-wow. Family communication gets everyone involved in designing the boundaries. When children share ownership of the rules, they’re more invested.

5. Draw up a contract:

   Once the “Family Ten-Commandments” have been established, write up a document that everyone will sign.

6. Post the rules:

   Post copies of the contract in the kitchen and in each bedroom. Remember, these are not restrictions so much as rules to live by.

7. Recognize appropriate behavior:

   Teachers refer to this as, “Catch ‘em when things are going well.” Too many of us come down on violations like a ton of bricks and never pay attention to what’s going well. If it’s attention they’re after, they’ll get it one way or the other.

8. Avoid labeling children as “good” and “bad:”

   Children—and adults—behave in ways that are acceptable and in ways that are unacceptable. Labeling a child as “bad” will do little to improve behavior and a lot to create a negative self-image.

9. NEVER play Mom against Dad:

   “Good-cop, bad-cop” is not a useful game at home. “Wait until your father gets home,” suggests authority that’s divided. Parents must have each other’s backs. It’s another way to be consistent.

10. Employ “natural consequences” when possible:

    When raising teenagers, natural consequences just make more sense. For younger children, this helps associate negative outcomes with specific behavior.

    If a room is not cleaned as instructed, missing a fun activity while cleaning the room is less a punishment and more of a consequence.

    Cursing? Instead of a spanking try having the child look up ten appropriate words in the dictionary and copy them all down, including definitions, etymology (origin of the word), etc.

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