For the first 10 years of our marriage, my wife made it very clear she didn’t want me to buy her flowers on special occasions. She explained she thought they were a waste of money, and that she was “more of an acts of service girl.” As a public speaker who focuses on marriage, I decided once to use roses while giving a talk to illustrate how romance is not one size fits all. I was going to explain how my wife did not like roses. So on the day I was to give my talk, I bought some roses and brought them home before the event. My wife’s expression was not one of a woman who thinks flowers are a waste of money.
She looked absolutely thrilled—and then I explained why I bought them. Ouch. Just writing this breaks my heart for her all over again. My wife, who stayed home with our three kids under 10, now was OK with a little waste of money to know I thought of her and that I thought she deserved to have a little money “wasted” on her. My point to this story is that life is always changing. So are our wives. Having a weekly check-in gives us some of the info to help us know how to love them well. Here are 6 questions to ask your wife every week.
High Questions
1. What is one thing you need me to celebrate?
When our kids were small, a day with no poop accidents was worthy of celebration. Now that they are older, a day without relational meltdowns seems to warrant a marching band.
2. What makes it special to you?
Knowing what makes things special to your wife helps you make things more special for her. Regarding our kids, it helps me know how to support her in raising them. If poop accident-free days are special, then I need to help her train them up in the way they should go. If no relational meltdowns are the win, I need to intentionally support our kids and her in this department.
3. How can I celebrate it?
This is where I dropped the ball with the flowers. While she probably never even would have thought flowers would make her happy, this question could have led her to answer something like, “My days have so many tough tasks; I just need something to make me feel special.” Lesson learned. I have since bought or cut her flowers several times a year. While our kids aren’t pooping in their pants anymore, she still gets that sweet, surprised look on her face. And what a sweet, beautiful face it is.
Low Questions
1. What is one thing bothering you right now?
The answers to this one change often. With 4 kids, her job, my job, all the things, quite frankly, there are lots of opportunities for her to be bothered. She is not a complainer, so this helps her not bottle things up, build resentment, or feel alone. The answer to this question often surprises me most. So let’s ask it. We can’t support our wives if we don’t know where they need it.
2. What makes it tough?
Tread lightly on this one. What is tough to us is often not tough to our wives and vice-versa. But dig in, listen, and accept that she is wired differently than you. If it is tough to her, it is tough to her. This also gives you information why similar issues are also tough for her.
3. How can I let you know I have your back?
Research shows that most struggling couples make moves to connect with their spouses—they are just making the wrong moves. When we get the information about how our wives want us to support them through the bothersome things, we make the right moves.
Final note: While your wife gives you her answers, just listen, be interested and curious, and simply say, “Thanks for letting me know.”
Sound off: How do you stay in tune with what is going on with your wife?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some ways you can tell that I always have your back?”