If there is one thing that brings more dissatisfaction in marriage, it’s a lack of sex. We see it in comments on All Pro Dad and on our site for Moms—iMOM. Most marriages don’t start out with spouses disinterested in being physical with one another. So how do married couples go from hot and heavy to having a severely diminished sex life? Certainly, the addition of kids is challenging and will affect things. However, with an intentional focus, that challenge can be overcome. Why isn’t it? In many cases, it comes down to our habits.
A couple of years ago, I started keeping a pack of Cokes under my desk. In the afternoon, my energy fades, so I got into the habit of popping a few Cokes to keep me going. Not surprisingly, I gained around 25 pounds. The weight and the amount of sugar contributed to my being bedridden for two months and needing physical therapy to recover. I’ve since made it a habit to drink eight glasses of water a day. Now instead of drinking Coke in the afternoon, I take a walk to keep my energy up. I’ve lost the weight and feel healthy again. Our daily habits matter. They make a huge difference in our overall health and the health of our relationships. There are habits we develop that are killing our sex lives. Have you developed some of these bad habits? Here are 8 habits that kill sex in marriage.
1. Laziness
Having sex is like working out. It takes energy, initiative, and sometimes planning, but your marriage will be more healthy when it’s happening regularly. Both spouses should do what they can to make it happen. You may be tired or fear being rejected, but don’t stop initiating sex.
2. Complacency
Sex can become predictable after a number of years. It’s easy to fall into a habit of doing the same old, same old. It can cause women, in particular, to feel pressure about sex because they feel like they need to hit all of the normal points rather than connecting and exploring together. Switch things up. Change the order and try new things.
3. Not Taking Care of Your Body
This is more than just exercising and eating healthy, both of which can be huge factors in impacting a married sex life. However, you and your spouse should go to the doctor at least once a year to monitor your overall health and stress levels. Recently, a friend told me his wife was having a hard time, which included a lower libido and depression. By visiting the doctor, she learned that her body wasn’t producing enough progesterone. A simple fix turned things around.
4. Lack of Communication
Great sex starts with emotional connection.Great sex starts with emotional connection, especially for women. Marriages suffer when husbands and wives slowly stop communicating. Your sex life is one of the first things to suffer from a lack of communication in a marriage. Never stop communicating. Share your emotions, fears, and hurts. Talk about your relationship often. Talk about your sex life, what you like, and what turns you on. Talk during sex. Whatever you do, never stop communicating.
5. Lack of Sleep
These days, the only time we have to ourselves is after the kids go to bed. It’s tempting to stay up late and sleep too little. But that lack of sleep increases anxiety and possible depression. Our overall productivity drops along with a healthy libido. Make sure you and your spouse get plenty of sleep.
6. Thinking and Speaking Negatively
Thinking and especially speaking negatively about yourself or your spouse is like throwing cold water on sexual excitement. Be kind to her and to yourself regarding physical appearance and attractiveness. When people don’t feel good about themselves, they are less enthusiastic about having sex. Build a habit of thinking and speaking positively.
7. Co-Sleeping with the Kids
In my opinion, it’s okay occasionally to have a child sleep in your room. If a child has a nightmare or is scared by a thunderstorm, it’s fine to give him or her a sense of security. However, when it is a habit, it becomes a problem. Your bedroom needs to be reserved for you and your spouse.
8. Pornography
I have no doubt someone will comment that watching porn as a couple can help a marriage’s sex life. I have addressed that here. Some people have even claimed that porn saves marriages, but no data supports that. What the data does support is that for every claim of marriage being “helped,” thousands of marriages and lives are destroyed by pornography. It is dangerous and divisive, and if you are struggling with it, you are not alone. Do what you can to get help and break the habit.
Sound off: What habits have you and your wife started that have helped your sex life?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What do you think is one way we could improve our sex life?”