My old supervisor told great stories, and my favorite was about a time his manager asked him to remove all the screws fastening the steel warehouse shelves to the walls. Against his better judgement, he grabbed a ladder and went to work. With every screw he removed, the shelves stood in place… until the last one. Suddenly, one shelf crashed into the next, and they all went down like thundering dominoes. The manager ran in and found a pile of destruction. Behind the debris, my friend stood sheepishly on the ladder holding one screw in his hand and said, “This is your fault.” This story reminds me of how the signs of infidelity work.
Believing lies is like removing the screws. It might seem fine at first, but eventually, it leads to destruction via infidelity. Marital affairs result from believing and justifying one lie at a time. Exposing these lies keeps us from falling into their trap and prevents the dominoes from falling. Here are dangerous lies husbands and wives believe that lead to infidelity.
My spouse should make me happy/I deserve to be happy.
While happiness may be part of marriage, marriage is actually not about or for happiness. Believing that it’s for happiness creates an attitude of selfishness, plain and simple. When you nurture this attitude, spouse blaming becomes routine and bitterness is right around the corner from the signs of infidelity. The list of negative qualities in your spouse gets longer and longer. All it does is attempt to justify the selfish attitude so the person is free to chase happiness or the greener grass. Marriage is about dying to self, giving, and loving in good times and bad. That’s why it’s so difficult but also so rewarding.
There’s nothing wrong with a little flirting.
It’s exciting to flirt. When someone finds you sexually attractive, you feel good, particularly when you feel the same way about that person. No one wants to lose that feeling. So married people justify flirting with others by telling themselves it doesn’t mean anything. But it does. It’s hurtful to your spouse because it trains the heart to wander. It’s natural to have feelings of attraction to others, but acting on those feelings gives a place in the heart to a person who doesn’t belong there. Flirting is like entering a river with a powerful current that ends at a large drop-off.
What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
This attitude can take root in doing something you know would upset your spouse. You recognize it’s wrong and probably feel guilty, but don’t want to stop. In an attempt to make himself feel better, this guy simply tells himself that he’s not hurting anyone. But it does hurt. Secrets cause disconnection. Spouses can sense intuitively when there is distance, no matter the degree. They may not address it, but they sense it. Believing a lie like this is just the beginning of allowing disconnection to enter the relationship. The distance just gets wider and wider until this person connects to someone else.
I have sexual needs.
Food is something you need. Sex is not something you need. It’s something you desire. An attitude like this one gives sexual urges too much power. It is also a subtle way to justify pursuing sex outside of marriage. Once it’s justified in a person’s heart and mind, acting on the desire becomes easier. You can make an argument that sex is a need for the health of the relationship, but in that case, it is a need for the husband and the wife together, not just for one of them. Any sexual feelings that have to do with you alone point to a desire, not a need.
Our marriage problems are my spouse’s fault.
Marriage relationships consist of two people. One person might be more responsible, but not completely to blame for the signs of infidelity. This is a convenient way to avoid responsibility. Anytime people avoid responsibility, blame others, or justify themselves, they become colder. Walls of defense get fortified, and the separation begins. There are occasions when one person is completely to blame, but those are rare.
Sound off: What do you think leads to infidelity?
For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Has there ever been anything you were afraid to tell me?”