One of my close friends was telling me about the struggles he was having in his marriage. He asked, “How do I lead her?” My response was to ask for his definition of the word “lead.” As he unpacked his desires for his marriage, he wasn’t talking about leadership; he was talking about control. He wanted his wife to do what he wanted her to do without pushback or rebuttal. I simply told him, “That is not how to lead your wife.”
Leadership is not about control or dominance. It’s about stepping up, guiding the relationship to unity, and bringing out the best in both of you. I believe every woman wants a man to lead in ways that value, support, and uplift her. Here are 5 ways every woman wants a man to lead.
1. Encourage.
Great leaders are great encouragers. So when you’re learning how to lead your wife, encourage her. When you encourage her, you communicate her value and your appreciation. Ask yourself whether your words encourage more than they discourage. Take an inventory of your words to make sure you are leading your wife through encouragement. When you do, you’ll inspire hope and confidence in her.
2. Support.
Every marriage has highs and lows; your wife needs you to stand firm in both. Leading her through support is helping her know that you have her back no matter what. Communicating that you believe in her and will stand with her will strengthen your relationship. She’ll see this strength when she knows she can follow your lead because you make her feel secure, and she trusts your judgment. Support looks different in every marriage, and it’s mutual. Ask yourself in what ways your wife needs your support right now.
3. Take initiative.
Great leaders get in the game. They do not wait for things to happen around them; they take action. For most men, when we hear the word initiative, all we think of is what happens in the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, your wife needs you to take the initiative in making decisions, addressing issues, and even planning your next date night. When you take the initiative, you express your commitment to her, and you lighten her burdens. Ask yourself what you can take the initiative in today.
4. See her.
A burning question every wife’s heart is, “Do you see me?” Our wives desire to be seen, valued, and treasured. Your answer to this question is implied by how you treat her. Maybe you communicate in a different way from how your wife communicates. When, instead of getting frustrated, you build a bridge to close the gap, she knows you see her. Being a leader means sometimes, you have to cross the bridge farther than the other person. Ask yourself what your wife’s love language is, and speak it. When we are attentive to details about our wives, they feel seen.
5. Share.
Great leaders understand what it means to share the load, responsibilities, and our own feelings. Sharing these things is important for your marriage because it produces partnership. When we share the load of responsibilities in our homes and open up to share what’s going on, we create a safe place for mutual sharing. Ask yourself what you haven’t been sharing with your wife—and then go share it.
Sound off: If you’ve learned how to lead your wife well, share a piece of advice in the comments.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think it means to take initiative?”