I had a journalism professor in college who really challenged me. She was gruff, didn’t put up with any backtalk or tardiness, and held her students to a very high standard. When I turned in an assignment after interviewing someone she hadn’t approved, she promptly gave me an F. It didn’t matter to her that my project was well-executed. I hadn’t followed her directions, which violated one of her “non-negotiables.” She loved that phrase and used it mostly to keep us in line.
Flash forward to today, and I have developed my own list of non-negotiables for parenting. But unlike that professor, my non-negotiables are not intended to simply mandate obedience. When I’m disciplining my kids, I want them to know my correction comes from a place of love, not brazen authority. Handing out discipline is a necessary part of being a dad. It’s easier for me when I stick to my list. Here are 7 non-negotiables for disciplining kids.
1. Be consistent.
If you come down hard one day and light the next over a similar offense, what message will your kids receive? “Dad is inconsistent, so I have no idea what to expect.” Take the confusion out of it. Consistency leads to reliability and, ultimately, comfort. The kids may not like that there are consequences every time they mess up, but being predictable is a good thing.
2. Give fair consequences.
Taking away the Nintendo Switch for a week may be warranted if your son didn’t do what he was asked. Taking it away for a year? Maybe not. Be fair with your assessment and the consequence. There is a proverb that says, “Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” When we carefully consider what’s fair, we avoid under- or overreacting.
3. Follow through on those consequences.
If you forecast consequences for poor decisions, then you must be true to your word. Empty threats don’t work and actually teach kids that you’re not serious about what you say. This weakens your authority. Following through shows you are honest and trustworthy.
4. Prioritize teaching over punishing.
Discipline sticks best when it’s tied to a lesson. When a group of angry, self-righteous religious folks dragged an adulterous woman to the feet of Jesus, they expected him to help stone her. It was the custom of the time, after all. The punishment must fit the crime, they said. But Jesus corrected them all with a measure of grace. He permitted anyone in the crowd who was perfect to throw the first stone. Nobody was qualified but him, and he chose not to. Instead, he told her, “Go and sin no more.” He taught the woman how to move forward after she’d done wrong. We must teach our kids the same thing.
5. Remain calm.
There is a verse in Proverbs 15 that says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It’s really hard to diffuse a situation when you’re angry, so I try to discipline when I’m calm. I have to walk away for a minute or two sometimes to cool down before I speak with my kids. Those few moments ensure I don’t punish while I’m still angry. Maintaining my composure helps to create a better environment for discipline.
6. Listen to your kids.
It’s easy to be the “boss” in the situation when handing out punishments. You’re the adult, after all. But listening leads to empathy and understanding, two things I really want my kids to grasp. I’ve definitely punished prematurely because I didn’t have all the information. If I expect my kids to listen to me, they should also expect to be listened to. That may not prevent discipline, but they should know that Dad is always willing to hear them out.
7. Keep a united front.
Occasionally my youngest will come to me and ask for something without informing me that Mom already said no. That never flies. My wife and I are united. Sending kids mixed messages not only confuses kids but undermines your spouse. Whatever disciplining that needs to be done, do it as a team. It’s fair to everyone and shows the kids that Mom and Dad are unified.
Sound off: What moment of discipline from your childhood still sticks with you?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How can you tell if I’m really listening to you while you’re talking?”