As I sat in the stands at my son’s basketball game, a parent of a kid from the other team sat behind me, constantly yelling harsh comments at his son and berating the referees. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing. I felt bad for the kid. It was like watching him get pulled back and forth in a tug of war between the game and his dad. Mind you this was 11- and 12-year-old basketball. I thought to myself, “Why does this game mean so much to this guy?” Because he was living vicariously through his son. I’ve been there too.
When I was coaching my son in baseball, I learned that baseball just wasn’t his thing. He didn’t want to play. I didn’t push him, but internally, I had to wrestle with his lack of interest in the sport. I played collegiate baseball and my wife played collegiate softball. I had a “plan” for my son’s life, but it wasn’t panning out. That’s when I realized the dangers of parents living vicariously through a child. Here are 5 ways to avoid living vicariously through your kids.
1. Let your kids be their own people.
You must let go of your plans and embrace theirs. It doesn’t mean you can’t instill great character traits and push them to excel in whatever they want to do. But your kids aren’t you. They are their own people and will have to find their own passions.
2. Identify the wound that’s driving you.
If you’re living vicariously through your kids, you may have a wound you’re trying to heal through them. Maybe the wound came from having parents who couldn’t afford to buy you the drums you dreamed of playing, so you’ve pushed your son into drums when he’s not interested. Forcing your son or daughter into something you didn’t get to do won’t heal your wounds, but it might cause them some wounds.
Be zealous about your kids, not their activities.3. Be zealous about your kids, not their activities.
When you’re so focused on your kids’ activities, it can do damage to your relationship. They may end up thinking, “If I don’t continue participating in this, Mom or Dad won’t love me.” That erodes trust and welcomes bitterness. Be careful! Kids know when a sport or other activity is more important to you than they are. Be zealous about them.
4. Be interested in what they’re interested in.
One of my mentors has two sons who have gone from football, basketball, and baseball to Muay Thai and golf. They’ve changed because of their interests and injuries mainly, but I’ve loved how their dad has rolled with them and gotten into whatever they’re into. One of his sons has become an umpire, and he signed up to umpire with him. That’s good parenting. That’s letting kids be their own people, letting go of your own wounds or plans, and being zealous about them.
5. Celebrate them for who they are, not what they do.
This same mentor of mine has always said, “Celebrate who your kids are, not what they do.” When parents live vicariously through their kids, they make performance the primary goal. My son came home from school one day and said, “Dad, I got a 100 on my math test. Aren’t you proud of me?” He’d had a rough week of studying for this test, so I knew it was a big deal to him. I responded by saying, “Son, I’m so glad you got a 100 on your test, but I’m proud of how hard you worked this week studying for it.” Performances will come and go as they do, but your kids’ identity will determine the quality of their lives. Celebrate who they are.
Sound off: What are some ways you’ve seen parents living vicariously through a child? How else can it be avoided?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Do you ever feel like I pressure you to do things you’re not interested in doing? What things?”