I remember a time when I was young when I found out two of my best friends got together without me. I was a pretty insecure kid, and it made me incredibly sad. I felt left out, rejected. I told my dad, and he got angry with my friends (not in person). He made comments about how selfish they were and was visibly upset. While I appreciated that he cared about me, it didn’t help. Instead, I felt like his desire to defend me made me feel like I was right—I had been left out.
Now I love my dad, and he did his best. We all do. So this is in no way to disparage him. In fact, I totally understand why he did it. He loved me and wanted to protect me. Just as I do my teens and you do yours. But sometimes we inadvertently add to teen struggles instead of helping our kids navigate them. Here are 5 ways to make it harder for your teen when life is hard.
1. Tell her she shouldn’t be upset.
Sometimes we’re uncomfortable with the level of emotions our teen exhibits, so our knee jerk reaction when our teen struggles is to tell her that she shouldn’t be upset or that she needs to calm down. While it may very well be true that her response is disproportionately emotional to the actual situation, before trying to rein in her emotions, begin by validating them. Help her to know that you see her hurting and that it’s OK to be upset. After you validate, then you can help regulate. But validate first.
2. Treat him as though he’s a victim.
Your teen is capable of a lot. But sometimes he needs your help to see it. While certainly there are times when coming to your teen’s side is appropriate and necessary, there are many occasions when what he actually needs from you is perspective. What choices could he make to improve his own situation? What are ways he could work to resolve the conflict? It’s not always obvious, but if you can empower your teen to see how he can work something out for himself, you’ll equip him for a better future.
3. Allow obstacles to be seen as unfair.
Everyone faces obstacles. However, how we face them is often rooted in whether we believe we should. If we as parents teach our kids that they deserve a life where opportunities are freely offered, doors are opened wide, and everyone is on their side, then we are preparing them for a world that, frankly, doesn’t exist. Sometimes coaches play favorites, she doesn’t get into the college of her dreams and a friend talks behind his back. These things do happen. You can’t change that. But you can help your teen to look for growth opportunities. How could he respond differently? Are there changes he should make? Where might he be able to grow?
4. Don’t ask questions.
Sometimes when we see a situation from our vantage point, the answer is clear—to us anyway. Our temptation then is to jump right in to giving advice when our teen struggles. We become directive and focused on “fixing” the situation. This can both be overwhelming for our teens and wrongheaded. After all, you don’t understand half the words your teen uses, why she dresses like she does, or what the heck emojis mean. What makes you think you accurately understand this situation? Ask questions. Be curious. Allow your teen to share with you her perspective. Not only can this help you better understand, but the process of having to explain it might help her as well.
5. Control the situation.
Some of you take great comfort in your ability to keep things under control. Maybe you run a business, coach a team, or have a pristine yard. You have a proven track record of being able to manage things with positive results. All of that may be true, and yet you will undoubtedly face things with your teen that you cannot control. Friends will hurt him. He’ll get cut from a team. A boss will be a jerk. Fight the urge to jump in and try to control it for him. You may be able to make things better, but this will not help him to grow. Instead, walk with your teen, and coach, but don’t control. In doing so, he’ll be far better prepared for what life brings when you aren’t around to fix it.
Sound off: How else have you unintentionally made life harder for your teen when life was hard?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What would you like me to do when life is tough for you?”