After having our first child, my wife wasn’t thinking about sex at all. Her body, emotions, and mind were changing. I was sleep-deprived for the first four months, getting about three and half hours of sleep a night. Still, I was ready to jump back into things in the bedroom. But my wife was not. I felt rejected at times, but I learned that what postpartum moms go through physically and emotionally is intense. I couldn’t relate to those feelings, but I was expected to understand them as a husband.
Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. If you notice intimacy is fading from your marriage, here’s what to do when your wife won’t touch you.
Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. If you are not communicating about this, nothing will change. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical.
2. Empathize.She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective.
If your wife won’t touch you, maybe something has changed. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she’s failing at this parenting thing. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. Empathy is about feeling her burdens and sitting with them instead of trying to solve them. She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. Empathy builds into emotional intimacy, and often this is what she needs first before opening up to something physical.
3. Romance her.
When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, it’s going to come from you. I understand that kids, work, and home projects can weaken your romantic side over time, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Be the man who won her heart! Surprise her by getting a sitter and taking her to a nice dinner. Or simplify it by bringing home her favorite wine and dining on your patio after the kids are in bed. Give her some time to destress by setting up a candlelit bath with her favorite essential oils and bath soak. Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy.
4. Avoid porn.
As your wife pushes you away, you might feel tempted to use porn, but porn robs you of genuine desire for your wife. It will only create more distance between you. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. Once you’re accustomed to porn, you’ve trained your brain to need it. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife won’t turn you on anymore. So not only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably won’t want her to anymore. It’s a disturbing trap that you must avoid.
Discuss it with her: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it: 4 Things You Can Do When You’re Not in the Mood.
Sound off: What are some other practical things you can do as a husband to increase intimacy?
Huddle Up Question
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “If there were something you could change about our sex life, what would it be?”