Currently, what is that thing in your life that occasionally robs you of your peace and patience? For me, it’s the aftereffects of traveling for work. Depending on the trip, the impact can range from making me less energetic all the way to depressed. This results in me being less of who I want to be and more of who I don’t. When I’m feeling the impact of work travel, I can be distant, a little impatient, and less fun with my wife, Nancie.
When do you feel like less of who you want to be and more of who you don’t? Maybe it’s when you are dealing with a difficult coworker, are feeling physically ill, or your Fantasy Football team is tanking. Even though these situations are not about her, you probably behave sometimes like they are. For example, if you get quiet when you are frustrated with your wife, you probably get quiet when you are frustrated with a coworker. And you bring this quietness home. Of course she thinks it’s about her. So simply say to her, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Then briefly explain the situation. Here’s why.
The Elephant in the Room
First, we must start by acknowledging the elephant in the room: In the dating world, if anyone ever tells you that “it’s not you, it’s me,” it’s for sure you. That is typically just a manipulative way of trying to let someone down easily in an ironically hard way. But in marriage, “it’s not you, it’s me” can be a very useful sentence to have in your husband toolbox. Saying “it’s not you, it’s me” is a genuine, honest, straightforward way
The Benefit of Saying This
This takes your wife off the hook. She can also stop potentially having an imaginary fight with you in her head. Typically, this will not only be a relief for her but also a relief for you. Just verbalizing your negative feelings can go a long way in relieving those negative feelings. Now, one quick qualifier—this doesn’t give you an excuse to be mean or impatient with your wife. When you do respond negatively because you feel negative, it is now about her as well. Simply and kindly letting her in on how you are feeling also gives her the most amount of information to know how to love you well.
Sound off: How do you keep your wife in the loop when you are in a “mood”?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Do you feel like you can tell me when you are feeling mad or sad? Why or why not?”