caught my wife cheating

“I Caught My Wife Cheating: What Now?”

You may have suspected. After all, she has seemed somewhat distant for a while. But you never thought it would happen to you. The moment the undeniable evidence was confronted, it was like being hit by a truck. She’s having an affair. Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, the betrayal is just as deep.

How can so many emotions hit all at once? They flood in and out—anger, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, embarrassment, betrayal, and rejection. The truth is earth shattering. The world that you know has been broken by an utter breach of trust by the person that should have honored it the most.

If you have or are experiencing this now, I am sorry. You may be asking yourself these questions: What happened? Is my marriage over? Can it be saved? Do I even want to save it? There are so many things to confront, but the main question is, what now?

You Probably Want to Walk. Stop. Give It Time.

This is understandable. She was unfaithful. However, don’t make a quick decision. Take your time working through the steps below before deciding anything. Do whatever it takes to save your marriage before walking away.

Carefully Consider Your Children.

Remember that she is their mother. They do not need to know the details or even who is at fault. Do not put them in the position of choosing sides. It’s hard enough. Tell them you and their mom are having a hard time. Affirm your love for them and continue to spend as much time with them as you can. When all is said and done, you want to be able to look at them and tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage and keep the family together.

Flush through Your Feelings.

“Manning up” is not burying your feelings. You need to let them loose. Your feelings are legitimate. Putting on a good face won’t make them disappear. They will only surface later in the form of poison-filled bitterness. Feel deep, identify those feelings, and articulate them.

Then Confront Her.

If you have not already done it, confront your wife when you are under control. Be ready for her to place blame your way. Ask questions and gather as much information as possible. Calmly tell her exactly how you feel. Don’t hold back. This will take multiple sessions.

Get Some Solitude and Pray.

You need to get away where you have quiet time to think and reflect. Remove distractions. I would highly recommend enlisting help and direction from God. Separating for a while may be healthy.

Take a Self-Inventory.

She did what she did and you don’t have to own that. However, your marriage most likely got to an unhealthy place and that takes two people. Think through and identify the ways that you contributed. Own the part you played and what you can do different going forward. For more on this, read How to Help Your Spouse Have an Affair.

Resist Falling into Bad Habits.

There is a deep pain and loneliness. The temptation will be to numb or distract yourself from it. Getting drunk, stoned, and/or looking at porn may temporarily provide relief and a thrill. However, in the morning, you will find yourself with an even deeper loneliness and hurt. Put your energy into healthy activities.

Find a Trusted Friend to Talk to—Be Very Careful in Your Selection.

You need a friend that you can be real with on every level. Choose this person carefully. Make sure they are a good listener, level-headed, and insightful. It will be easy to gravitate to the guy who will bash your wife. You don’t need that guy. You need the one that helps bring sober clarity.

Seek Professional Counseling and a Support Group.

Complicated problems need expertise to uncover. The issues you and your marriage are facing need professional insight and perspective. Even if you have no desire to reconcile, you should still meet regularly with a counselor for your own personal healing.

Forgive Her.

This is the hardest part, but the most beneficial. It doesn’t mean all is forgotten or that you blindly get back into the relationship. And it certainly doesn’t mean everything is okay. It just means letting go of grudges, anger, and bitterness. It means you are ready for renewal, either in moving on or hopefully restoring the marriage.

Sound Off

Sound off: Which of the above do you think is the most beneficial?

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Director of Content Creation for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • CJ

    I know I am not the perfect man and husband, but I have tried my very best over the past 21 years to love my wife. Probably too much love, to be exact, as I smothered her and made her feel trapped and I was clingy and emotionally overboard in making her No. 1 in my life even over my relationship with God up until a couple years ago. But the damage had been done, she felt hopeless in our marriage because expectations did not pan out (once again, I am not perfect) and disappointment and disillusionment prevailed.

    So she turned to someone else for an emotional affair. A man who was already married and a leader in our church. So for the past nearly two years this had been escalating until I finally caught her and turned them both over to the head pastor of our church.

    She has told me for the past year-plus she no longer loves me and, even now, says she feels our marriage is hopeless. For some strange reason, I thought I was forgiving her and standing by her at first — wanting to save our marriage from the clutches of Satan — but as the last few weeks have drug on since everything was exposed a couple months ago, I am finding myself more resentful almost to the point of no longer wanting to be in the marriage myself. We have 3 children and it breaks my heart that — when we first were married — we wanted to start a new Christian heritage and break the bonds of the enemy that had been so prevalent in our past families. But now that looks like it won’t be happening and Satan’s curse on our family will just continue down to who knows how many generations after us now.

    It would be a miracle of miracles if God were to soften my wife’s heart for me. I have spent the last 23 years of our relationship since we were engaged pursuing her and she never pursued me, so it would be something so extremely shocking for things to turn now that I can’t even comprehend this happening.

    We are both in individual counseling as she tries to overcome some past issues of her own and I just try to breath every day trying to work through the pain that has been inflicted on my soul, spirit, heart and mind and I can’t even comprehend how it got to this point. God has allowed a ton of crap to happen in our marriage and family’s life over the past few years and it has broken both of us to seek Jesus first. I thought she was also pursuing Jesus, but instead she was just listening to Satan’s lies of me not being the man she wanted to be married to and regretting that she ever married me.

    So now I sit here on the verge of divorce with a wife who has not shown me any remorse for making me feel like a piece of crap as I try my best to be the man of God I need to be. I know God loves me who I am right now and that He knit me and knows me better than anyone, but this version of who I am is not who my wife desires. She compares me to the other man and how his traits are what she desires to see in me, but he was nothing like who I am and vice versa and I am not going to change the character and personality and essence of who God created me to be to please my wife now. Plus I really don’t know if I can ever truly trust her again and I definitely can’t live with her critical and unforgiving nature that has destroyed me as a man most of our marriage.

    I have confidence that Christ will restore my life one way or another with or without her. If she leaves, I know God will bless me with a faithful wife who desires to be with me, desires to connect spiritually and emotionally — which my wife has lacked for many, many years now. I know God will take care of me and help me get past the devastation that my wife has willingly chosen to inflict on me and put me through over these past few years.

    • BJ_Foster

      Prayed for you and your marriage again this morning CJ. I hope your wife’s intensive and time off has been good for both of you. I think forgiveness will probably be a process of healing for you that may take some time, maybe even years and a lot of prayer.

      • CJ

        Thank you for your continued prayer, B.J. It is going to be a long, long road, but there have been some positives following her two weeks of counseling. She put her ring back on for the first time in a year, she has kissed me on the lips for the first time in months (both of these were huge to my heart) and she actually said she was willing to re-start marital counseling. We have still had a few big arguments since she has returned in the past two weeks, but I keep praying that, as we hash out some things, that we will continue to take baby steps forward.

        Now she wants to move from our town and we are looking for a new church since we are no longer able to go to our current church we have been at for 9 years (since the other man and his wife and kids still attend our church). So it has been hard to leave our church and church family (we still have a small group of people who are supporting us since only a handful knew about what happened).

        And now my wife and I are even considering leaving the area and moving across country. We have to life up in prayer our home to be sold and for me to find a job, so big things in the works if God wants this to happen. Thank you so much for the prayer!

    • mmeru wa miraa

      Am in the same hole. Am so hurt. I hope i have a good ending like yours. I can only cry to God

      • BJ_Foster

        Sorry to hear this mmeru wa miraa. Prayed for healing for you this morning. How are thing now?

        • mmeru wa miraa

          thanks for the prayers . She filed for divorce and moved on with the other gentleman . twas painful but Jesus has seen me thru

          • Brian Joseph

            Other gentlemen? Sorry if you pursue a woman that you know to be married with a family you are not a “gentlemen” you’re a scumbag.

  • Wendy Seth

    My husband never lets his phone out of his sight and keeps answering secret calls, I got very aware of his cheating suspicions and it killed me inside to be certain. I got Mike’s contact from this forum and he has since helped me get enough evidence to prove my husband’s infidelity, I found out he has been hooking up with his ex..Mr. Dawson didn’t even need to have physical access with the phone and he also got me all my husband’s deleted messages. If your husband cheats and you need help,its as simple as sending him an email invisibleinfiltrator gmail com

  • Sarah Drinkwater

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  • davidson henry

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  • Charles

    Hi All Pro Dad, great article. I do have a question about the end, though. I do a lot of soul searching on shared stories online like this one . . trying to see if my thoughts and feelings are valid. The last point of many of these articles is “forgive” . . But I’m not sure if thats always the case. Is it wrong that I seriously consider divorce? Is it wrong that I’ve looked at ? Should I stand by a woman who actively pursued companionship and intimacy outside of our marriage? Thank you.

    • Trexxel Kiventith

      Dear Charles,
      I am not married. However I am looking for the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and have contemplated this very question. I do not know if you are a Christian, however I am and decided to see what the bible had to say about it. One of my favorite books is Hosea and Gods use of him as an example for his love of the Israelites. He had Hosea marry a prostitue. However she did not stay faithful to Hosea and kept to her old ways and she bore several kids he could not be sure we’re his but he kept faithful to her even buying her back when she was sent in to slavery by one of her lovers. That is the vision of love Christ has for us and how he has bought us back from slavery to sin. That is the ACT of love I would want to show my wife and if God please forbid I did that she would show me.

    • BJ_Foster

      Sorry Charles – I missed your comment. I think you do everything in your power to save the marriage, however she has to show some serious change. I don’t think it is wrong to consider divorce, but only after you have exhausted all options. Forgiveness is something to be given whether you stay with her or not. If you don’t forgive it will eat at you forever and you’ll become bitter. There’s a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Reconciliation is something both parties work towards to rebuild the relationship, which forgiveness is usually a part of. Forgiveness is something one party offers the other no matter what. There are no conditions to it.

  • redjohn

    I caught my wife on the phone 4 months ago talking to her lover.
    I was ready for a divorce but we have children.
    So I told her to stop and she said she ended it. This was in July
    Recently she said she had a business trip in Aspen
    She did not know that I rigged her phone to send me all the photos she takes.
    Low and behold she was taking nude pictures of her lover in bed and hot tub.
    She has hurt me so deeply I can not even sleep.
    We were together 24 years and she stabbed my right in the heart.
    I even quit my job to take care of the kids because she makes a ton of money at her job.
    I am devastated.
    Any advice would be appreciated.
    Please pray for me

    • Tungaw

      Hi Red! Our situation is pretty similar. Although I have not quitted my job yet. It was already traumatising enough when my wife admitted that she had a sexual relationship with someone, what’s really devastating is having pictures and even videos of their act! I mean, what were they thinking?!? That is way beyond really. Pls. Pray for me too….and my kids. I will TRY to pray. Thanks.

      • BJ_Foster

        Sorry I just saw your post. Prayed for you this morning. How are things going?


      I hope everything worked out for you with your family.

    • BJ_Foster

      Sorry redjohn just saw this comment. I’m so sorry. I assume you confronted her about it by now. Can you give an update of how things are going?

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  • jaja

    me and my husband is facing one of the hardest family problem. issue: i had an affair with a married man. My husband confronted me Sept of last year and gone through difficult things and we were able to handle each day of my repentance and i thank my husband he accepted me back. I went alone to church and submitted to GOD all my sins. I felt forgiveness after my confession to the priest.

    This past few days, we are again quarrelling about simple things. Yes, i admit i got pissed off with what he is showing me. he’s treating me differently, like a nobody. a prisoner who should obey all his orders. he don’t treat me like his wife already.

    he laid his cards before he accepted me back, so, i did the best i can to address it wholeheartedly. i believe i changed because i was able to do things i wasn’t doing before.. I just can’t feel that he too also has a fault of what had happened. Yes, it is entirely my fault, but i had done that because of him. i told him all my reasons when we talked, but he cannot admit to himself that he has a fault. that’s why he will not do anything. his mind setting is that: it is your fault and you should suffer, you should make up..

    i have nobody to tell as to what i am feeling. my family already knew what had happened because he told them so they won’t listen to my feelings as well…i cannot withstand it already. i cannot withstand the feeling of being treated like a sinner who will never be forgiven.

    • Tony Bright

      You emotionally abused your husband with your affair. You must put extraordinary protections in place to ensure you do not hurt him again. I am sure you had valid complaints as well. However, your affair is the emotional equivalent of going nuclear in a conventional war. You need to clean up the mess you made and demonstrate he can trust you once again before you will see real change.

      He may not heal at the pace you expect. You are at different places in your journey. It will take exceptional care and protection of him to heal and trust you again. If you resent him for being hurt by what you chose to do, you simply manifest the same selfish nature that enabled you to choose to habe an affair.

    • BJ_Foster

      Have you thought of going to couples counseling. Sounds like you both need an objective third party to help.

  • Tony Bright

    First off, a wife in an active affair is not your ally. At best she is selfish. At worst, she is a danger to you and your children. Your first move is to make sure you and your family is safe. In all forms, physically, emotionally, spiritually and even financially. You may need to check with a lawyer, but there are ways to divide up joint assets and remove an unfaithful wife involved inher affair from credit and debit cards and so on so you do not put you or your children in financial peril while she is in the affair.

    Do not leave the marital home. Make it clear that she is choosing to leave the marriage. That means she is free to leave, but don’t make the mistake I made and let her take your child. If it comes to legal battles, presidence matters. If the children stay with you in the marital home while she is off having her affair, if she files for divorce, that arrangement will likely be upheld by the courts.

    Reconciliation cannot happen until the affair ends. You can pray for her from a safe distance and work on your own issues with professionals. But you cannit reconcile until the affair ends and there is a mechanism in place that provides continuous confirmation there is no contact between affair partners.

  • li_bri

    Just found this older article and I think the advice sucks. I couldn’t imagine laying down w/my “wife” after she’s been w/another man. If my wife cheated I would drag her to the curb by her hair and leave her by the trash bin. Forgive me for being so blunt, but only a loser lays down w/another man’s whore. If she cheated, be a man and leave.

    • BJ_Foster

      I understand that as a first response, but the reality is we are all capable of this type of behavior. The men who I know (personally) who made the decision to stay, forgive, work on it have wonderful marriages now and strong families. In the end I think it is a better alternative to what you are talking about and they are real men.

    • CarlMiller77

      Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy? Trust me, it’s not. The vast majority of states are “no fault” divorce states. Meaning she could bang the entire Dallas Cowboys football team and you’re still going to have to give her half your stuff and likely alimony and child support as well. So she cheats and you have to move into a small apartment and cut her a big check every month? Yep, that’s correct. Secondly, if there are children involved and she is genuinely remorseful and wants to stay together, the ball is now in your court to break up the family and upend your children’s entire world. Third, what else is waiting for you out there? If you are in your late 30’s or 40’s (and certainly if you’re even older) what do you think you are going to find in the singles world? Older single females are single for a reason. Unless you’re a celebrity or filthy rich and can get a hot young girl….what you’re going to find out there is the same kind of woman you just left…..cheaters, women with baggage, women with children, women who are ugly, or some combination of thereof. So you’re in the same boat you were just in….only now you only get to see your kids 50% of the time, 50% of your stuff is gone, you’re giving a huge chunk of your paycheck to your ex every month, and you’re alone living in an apartment and not having sex. But hey, you showed her right? LOL

  • jennifer scot

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  • Tracey Winners

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