caught my wife cheating

“I Caught My Wife Cheating: What Now?”

You may have suspected. After all, she has seemed somewhat distant for a while. But you never thought it would happen to you. The moment the undeniable evidence was confronted, it was like being hit by a truck. She’s having an affair. Whether it is an emotional or physical affair, the betrayal is just as deep.

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How can so many emotions hit all at once? They flood in and out—anger, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, embarrassment, betrayal, and rejection. The truth is earth shattering. The world that you know has been broken by an utter breach of trust by the person that should have honored it the most.

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If you have or are experiencing this now, I am sorry. You may be asking yourself these questions: What happened? Is my marriage over? Can it be saved? Do I even want to save it? There are so many things to confront, but the main question is, what now?

You Probably Want to Walk. Stop. Give It Time.

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This is understandable. She was unfaithful. However, don’t make a quick decision. Take your time working through the steps below before deciding anything. Do whatever it takes to save your marriage before walking away.

Carefully Consider Your Children.

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Remember that she is their mother. They do not need to know the details or even who is at fault. Do not put them in the position of choosing sides. It’s hard enough. Tell them you and their mom are having a hard time. Affirm your love for them and continue to spend as much time with them as you can. When all is said and done, you want to be able to look at them and tell them that you did everything you could to save the marriage and keep the family together.

Flush through Your Feelings.

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“Manning up” is not burying your feelings. You need to let them loose. Your feelings are legitimate. Putting on a good face won’t make them disappear. They will only surface later in the form of poison-filled bitterness. Feel deep, identify those feelings, and articulate them.

Then Confront Her.

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If you have not already done it, confront your wife when you are under control. Be ready for her to place blame your way. Ask questions and gather as much information as possible. Calmly tell her exactly how you feel. Don’t hold back. This will take multiple sessions.

Get Some Solitude and Pray.

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You need to get away where you have quiet time to think and reflect. Remove distractions. I would highly recommend enlisting help and direction from God. Separating for a while may be healthy.

Take a Self-Inventory.

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She did what she did and you don’t have to own that. However, your marriage most likely got to an unhealthy place and that takes two people. Think through and identify the ways that you contributed. Own the part you played and what you can do different going forward. For more on this, read How to Help Your Spouse Have an Affair.

Resist Falling into Bad Habits.

There is a deep pain and loneliness. The temptation will be to numb or distract yourself from it. Getting drunk, stoned, and/or looking at porn may temporarily provide relief and a thrill. However, in the morning, you will find yourself with an even deeper loneliness and hurt. Put your energy into healthy activities.

Find a Trusted Friend to Talk to—Be Very Careful in Your Selection.

You need a friend that you can be real with on every level. Choose this person carefully. Make sure they are a good listener, level-headed, and insightful. It will be easy to gravitate to the guy who will bash your wife. You don’t need that guy. You need the one that helps bring sober clarity.

Seek Professional Counseling and a Support Group.

Complicated problems need expertise to uncover. The issues you and your marriage are facing need professional insight and perspective. Even if you have no desire to reconcile, you should still meet regularly with a counselor for your own personal healing.

Forgive Her.

This is the hardest part, but the most beneficial. It doesn’t mean all is forgotten or that you blindly get back into the relationship. And it certainly doesn’t mean everything is okay. It just means letting go of grudges, anger, and bitterness. It means you are ready for renewal, either in moving on or hopefully restoring the marriage.

Sound Off

Sound off: Which of the above do you think is the most beneficial?


 

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Content Manager for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • CJ

    I know I am not the perfect man and husband, but I have tried my very best over the past 21 years to love my wife. Probably too much love, to be exact, as I smothered her and made her feel trapped and I was clingy and emotionally overboard in making her No. 1 in my life even over my relationship with God up until a couple years ago. But the damage had been done, she felt hopeless in our marriage because expectations did not pan out (once again, I am not perfect) and disappointment and disillusionment prevailed.

    So she turned to someone else for an emotional affair. A man who was already married and a leader in our church. So for the past nearly two years this had been escalating until I finally caught her and turned them both over to the head pastor of our church.

    She has told me for the past year-plus she no longer loves me and, even now, says she feels our marriage is hopeless. For some strange reason, I thought I was forgiving her and standing by her at first — wanting to save our marriage from the clutches of Satan — but as the last few weeks have drug on since everything was exposed a couple months ago, I am finding myself more resentful almost to the point of no longer wanting to be in the marriage myself. We have 3 children and it breaks my heart that — when we first were married — we wanted to start a new Christian heritage and break the bonds of the enemy that had been so prevalent in our past families. But now that looks like it won’t be happening and Satan’s curse on our family will just continue down to who knows how many generations after us now.

    It would be a miracle of miracles if God were to soften my wife’s heart for me. I have spent the last 23 years of our relationship since we were engaged pursuing her and she never pursued me, so it would be something so extremely shocking for things to turn now that I can’t even comprehend this happening.

    We are both in individual counseling as she tries to overcome some past issues of her own and I just try to breath every day trying to work through the pain that has been inflicted on my soul, spirit, heart and mind and I can’t even comprehend how it got to this point. God has allowed a ton of crap to happen in our marriage and family’s life over the past few years and it has broken both of us to seek Jesus first. I thought she was also pursuing Jesus, but instead she was just listening to Satan’s lies of me not being the man she wanted to be married to and regretting that she ever married me.

    So now I sit here on the verge of divorce with a wife who has not shown me any remorse for making me feel like a piece of crap as I try my best to be the man of God I need to be. I know God loves me who I am right now and that He knit me and knows me better than anyone, but this version of who I am is not who my wife desires. She compares me to the other man and how his traits are what she desires to see in me, but he was nothing like who I am and vice versa and I am not going to change the character and personality and essence of who God created me to be to please my wife now. Plus I really don’t know if I can ever truly trust her again and I definitely can’t live with her critical and unforgiving nature that has destroyed me as a man most of our marriage.

    I have confidence that Christ will restore my life one way or another with or without her. If she leaves, I know God will bless me with a faithful wife who desires to be with me, desires to connect spiritually and emotionally — which my wife has lacked for many, many years now. I know God will take care of me and help me get past the devastation that my wife has willingly chosen to inflict on me and put me through over these past few years.

    • BJ_Foster

      Prayed for you and your marriage again this morning CJ. I hope your wife’s intensive and time off has been good for both of you. I think forgiveness will probably be a process of healing for you that may take some time, maybe even years and a lot of prayer.

      • CJ

        Thank you for your continued prayer, B.J. It is going to be a long, long road, but there have been some positives following her two weeks of counseling. She put her ring back on for the first time in a year, she has kissed me on the lips for the first time in months (both of these were huge to my heart) and she actually said she was willing to re-start marital counseling. We have still had a few big arguments since she has returned in the past two weeks, but I keep praying that, as we hash out some things, that we will continue to take baby steps forward.

        Now she wants to move from our town and we are looking for a new church since we are no longer able to go to our current church we have been at for 9 years (since the other man and his wife and kids still attend our church). So it has been hard to leave our church and church family (we still have a small group of people who are supporting us since only a handful knew about what happened).

        And now my wife and I are even considering leaving the area and moving across country. We have to life up in prayer our home to be sold and for me to find a job, so big things in the works if God wants this to happen. Thank you so much for the prayer!

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