good husband

What You Should Never Do with Women Other Than Your Wife

The quickest way to erode the trust in your marriage is to keep secrets from your wife.  Personally, I never intended to cheat on my ex-wife.  But secret conversations eventually evolved into frequent conversations; and frequent conversations led to detailed conversations about my life, my wife, and our issues. It all led to the destruction of our trust and the eventual destruction of our marriage.

When you communicate with other women, are you potentially being foolish or are you being a good husband? Allow me to share some advice I’ve had to learn the hard way about communicating with women other than my wife. Here are 3 Don’ts and 3 Do’s for communicating with women other than your wife.

First, three (3) DON’Ts:

1. Don’t ever complain to another woman about your wife or let another woman complain to you about her husband.

Why?  Because when you complain about your wife, you’re dishonoring her; and also, because your wife didn’t give you permission.  If you want your wife to respect you, you have to respect and protect her dignity.  Never disrespect your wife by talking negatively about her to another woman. And don’t let another woman dishonor her husband by complaining to you.

2. Stay away from topics about sex, secrets, and struggles

Why? Because it’s none of her business, and when you talk about these intimate topics with another woman, you’re discrediting your wife.  Never break the trust and intimacy between you and your wife; don’t be cavalier in your conversation with other women.

3. Never meet with women in private settings (especially online).

Keep it public so other eyes can see you.  Temptation operates best in secrecy [Tweet This]; so keep your meetings in public view.  I know, sometimes, that’s not always possible, but I’ll share some tips on how to do that below.

Now here are three (3) DO’s:

1. Always mention and talk about your wife favorably.

Why?  One it honors her (there’s that word again) and it also sets up healthy boundaries and fires off what I call safety flares that let other women know you are taken.

2. If at all possible, invite your wife into the conversation.

Especially if the woman you’re talking to is going through a crisis.  Ask the woman if it would it be okay for your wife to join the conversation or ask the woman to talk to your wife instead of you.  That may not always be possible, but at least ask.  Look at your wife as being added reinforcement.

3. Tell your wife about your conversations with other women.

I don’t care how small or trivial you think the conversation was. Why? Because this holds you accountable to your wife.

If conversing, chatting, counseling, or comforting other women makes your wife feel uncomfortable, then it should make you uncomfortable.  Don’t call her crazy; instead, ask yourself, why are you more concerned about how the other woman feels than how your wife feels?

Honor your wife in everything you do – especially when it comes to talking to other women.

Curious about the list of what women should never do with men other than their husbands? See what’s on their list.

Sound Off

Do you and your wife have any other rules for communicating with the opposite sex?

Dr. Joe Martin

Dr. Joe Martin is a certified Man Builder, creator and founder of RealMenConnect.com, and an award-winning educator. He’s also a husband and father of a blended family of two.

  • Garth

    Good advice!

    • Joe Martin

      Thank you.

  • Carmine Benedetti

    these rules go both way.

    • Joe Martin

      Amen. I agree.

  • CJ

    Yes, I totally agree with Carmine. My wife crossed the line with a man in our church and had an emotional affair that she kept secret from me for 2 years because she was texting and using her Facebook Messenger that I did not have access to. It wasn’t until the evidence became so overwhelming that I called it out to the head pastor of our church before it was exposed and she finally confessed (she didn’t do it willingly, either. One of those “got her hand caught in the cookie jar” type of remorse and not “oh, I am so sorry I hurt you” type).

    I’ve always set boundaries with the women I work with and come in contact with about not talking in private, not texting, not e-mailing and not even riding in cars alone or going out for a coffee date alone. I feel that if you stay away from even putting yourself in that position, then you won’t get burned.

    But yes, it does go both ways. To this day (16 months post disclosure), my wife and I are still trying to reconcile. I pray that some day she will soften her hardened heart to me and that God can redeem this sacred marriage covenant. It is so very, very tough to even try anymore since she keeps herself so distant, but I am very much against divorce. The choices we make…..

  • Jeremy

    Very good article. Maybe some day my wife will admit to the affair she had three years ago.

    • John Ruhlen

      Pls watch this testimony from a couple in Orlando who had marriage infidelity and restoration.

      https://www.firstorlando.com/blog/id/1743/the_life-changing_grace_of_the_gospel?skinsrc=/portals/_default/skins/tree/default

      • Jeremy

        Thanks for sharing that. We are probably past any hope of restoration. She enjoys the security of being married to me and the fun of being with her “friend”. I exist to raise my kids and provide them with as much stability as I can.

        • John Ruhlen

          Keep in mind we had the same attitude towards Jesus and he loved us while we were yet dead in our sins and unfaithfulness to him. God loved us when we were basically prostitutes using God for what we can get out of him. Love your wife man. Love her with all your heart. Even if she doesn’t love you back. Even if she despitefully uses you and hates you. This is the gospel.

          • Jeremy

            I really wish things would work out. I’ll always love her. I also agree with her that we will divorce in eight years when our youngest turns 18. My wife is one of the leaders in our church and speaks regularly on marriage and family issues, so it benefits her to appear as a devoted wife and mother. I feel the worst for our teenage son. With all he has seen take place in the last three years, he has pretty much said he would never consider dating girls.

          • CJ

            Do what I did and take this before the head pastor of your church like I did with my wife. You get it out in the open and if it isn’t properly taken care of on a Biblical way, then you need to put in place some boundaries that possibly include kicking her out of the house until she corrects her ways. Don’t be waiting around for 8 years just to divorce and you and your kids spend that time in misery.

            If you don’t don’t adress it now once and for all, you will regret it for the rest of your life. If she walks away, then she is the one sinning against God and your marriage covenant.

    • Garth

      It’s better she doesn’t. Do nothing to validate her affair. Stop blaming her, forgive her and take care of your fixings. Learn the skills to rekindle your connection. Affairs end. One person can save the marriage. Check out Mort Fertel. God be with you!

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Huddle up with your wife and ask, “Is there any way that I interact with other women that makes you uncomfortable?”

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