I came home from work a few months ago and our house was a train wreck. Without thinking, I said, “What have you been doing all day?” This blew up into a huge argument. You see, my wife had already thought in her mind that day, “I’m not a good wife, I don’t do enough around the house, and I can’t balance the kids, school, and work.” My statement reinforced lies she was already struggling with that I didn’t know were there.
We are not mind readers and it is not up to us to fix the lies our wives are believing. However, if we’re not careful, we can reinforce the lies that women believe about themselves. Here are 3 ways you reinforce the lies your wife believes.
1. You try to fix her.
If your wife is wound up in a lie in her mind, it may take a moment to unwind. The temptation is to analyze the situation and offer solutions. But when we try to fix our wives, we reinforce one of the lies some women believe: that there’s something wrong with who they are. Our words and frustration are personal attacks on her instead of on the lie. So do your best to listen for keywords, investigate what happened in her day, and stay focused on her external circumstances. When is the last time you tried to fix her instead of attacking the lies?
2. You stay silent.Speak up; call a lie a lie even if it may cause more conflict in the moment.
It seems unfair to think about being blamed for something you didn’t say. It’s almost the same as getting in trouble for something you did in her dream. However, if your wife is struggling and shares with you things you recognize are false but you choose to not say anything, in her mind you are reinforcing those lies. Speak up; call a lie a lie even if it may cause more conflict in the moment. When you do this, you are exposing the truth for her to see. Remember, you can’t just say it once. Repeating the truth for her will help her let go of the lies she believes. When is the last time your silence spoke for you?
3. You fuel the lies.
You know your wife better than anyone else, so you know how to hurt your wife better than anyone else. Sadly, I have come to find out that it is not always the people at work or the moms at the park that feed the lies my wife believes about herself. How many subtle things do I say about her spending or other daily habits that reinforce lies? I should be a safe place to help expose lies for my bride instead of dishing out more lies that hurt her. When is the last time you said something you knew would hurt her?
Earn some points: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it with her: 11 Lies Moms Believe.
Sound off: What lies does your wife believe that you reinforce?
Huddle Up Question
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “In what ways have I reinforced lies you believe?”