My oldest child is a teen now, and I chuckle a bit when I think back to how my wife and I handled her pacifier. We tried to keep that thing safe, secure, and sanitized. If her pacifier landed in the dirt, sound the alarm. As first-time parents, we were convinced a pacifier that fell in the sand was basically germ-riddled, toxic garbage. Fast forward a few years to our third kid, and we’d just pick that thing up off the ground and pop it back in the baby’s mouth without even wiping it off. We made dirt on a pacifier into a bigger problem than it really was with our oldest. Experience taught us otherwise.
As I grew as a parent, I began to see that the pacifier wasn’t the only area where I was under- or overreacting. I was misdiagnosing the seriousness of problems all the time. To be a better parent, I need to deal with problems appropriately. I think keeping things in perspective is a parenting superpower, and over time I developed a cheat sheet to help me analyze and respond well to anything. It’s super simple to try, and works for more than just parenting. Here are 4 questions I ask to assess my situation.
1. “Will this matter after four minutes?”
I was helping my wife carry paddleboards when both of us heard a scream. We turned to see our kindergartener clutching her skinned-up knee. She’d tripped on the way to the water. We could tell it hurt, but neither of us made a big deal out of it. We helped her up and kept walking. A few minutes later, she was happily cruising the water, seemingly having forgotten about her bloody knee. Problems that can be fixed with a Band-Aid tend not to matter much past four minutes. If I determine something is a “four minute” problem, I deal with it quickly and move on. Dwelling on it delays progress. Treating small things like small things builds resilience and trains yourself, and your kids, not to freak out so often.
2. “Will this matter in four months?”
Some injuries require more than a Band-Aid. My older daughter slipped on some fall leaves just 10 minutes into our family vacation. She tried to break her fall and wound up breaking her wrist instead. We got her a soft brace from the pharmacy and then a sturdier cast once we got home. This was a “four month” problem—irritating enough to slow down a vacation but not life-altering. We knew she would heal in a few weeks and be back to playing piano and having fun. It was a great chance to remind her that life is unpredictable, but God is predictable. I tell my kids that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, so we can be confident that we won’t have to stumble through storms without a rudder. When we live with this in mind, it signals to the people around us, including our kids, that we can be confident despite circumstances.
3. “Will this matter in four years?”
My son’s orthodontist discovered something during a routine X-ray. An extra tooth was wedging its way between his top two front teeth. He needed oral surgery and braces. We would have many checkups to watch his developing palate. There was nothing I could do to speed up this issue. Trying to skip steps during a “four year” problem leaves the door open to frustration and anxiety. You can’t cut corners with lingering problems. You can only do the next right thing. This requires patience and, in my case, prayer. I prayed God would give me the right words to say when my son cried because of the pain and provision to pay for those expensive, ongoing doctor visits. Four-year problems force us to look outside ourselves, because we usually can’t see the full picture.
4. “Will this matter forever?”
My parents divorced when I was 5, forcing my mom and her three kids to move back home with her parents. It was tough for a few years until she remarried. I have only seen my biological father a handful of times in the last 30 years and may never again. If you’re wondering how to assess a problem like this, I draw comfort from knowing even when everything around me seems permanently broken, God never changes. He promises in Deuteronomy 31:8 that he’ll “never leave us nor forsake us” and in the New Testament, that he’s “overcome the world.” That doesn’t immediately remove the sting of a forever problem, but it allows me to lean into God and trust that he’ll not leave me stranded in my problem without hope.
Sound off: What problems still linger in your life?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What helps you know how to assess a problem?”