how-to-strengthen-your-relationship-with-your-child

5 Habits That Will Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Child

Years ago, I shared with a friend how it seemed like days flew by and I didn’t ever really get to sit with my kids and just hear how their day went. He told me about a habit he started with his kids of doing an evening “high/low,” when they’d each share the best and worst of their day together. I thought this was a neat idea, so I shared it with my wife. This became a habit we kept for the better part of a decade until our kids graduated from high school—and I’m convinced it’s one of the keys to us keeping parents connected to their kids through the tumultuous teenage years.

In his book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg makes the case that our habits shape us in powerful ways, but we get to choose what our habits are. We aren’t acted upon by our habits as much as our habits are the actions we choose that shape us in a particular way. I’ve found this to be as true in parenting as in anything else. Your relationship with your children will not ultimately be what you want it to be unless you create habits that move you in that direction. Here are 5 habits that will strengthen your relationship with your child.

1. Morning and Evening Check-Ins

We began evening check-ins when our kids were young and never looked back. However, at the same time, I found that there was another untapped opportunity: breakfast. Now, to be fair, the older my kids got, the harder it was to get a word out of them at breakfast. However, just a moment or two asking what they had on their plate that day, encouraging them, saying I love you… Some brief moment of connection made all the difference. It also allowed me to have a question or two to ask at the evening check-in, or even during the day in a text. Develop the habit of briefly checking in with your kids in the morning and evening. The check-in helps you feel connected to your child, even in busy seasons. If you’re looking for how to strengthen your relationship with your child, cultivate the habit of checking in.

2. Playing Together

According to Dr. Michael Popkin, author of the Active Parenting series, playing with your child builds his or her self-esteem and strengthens the parent/child bond. This is not only true when the child is young, but play is just as important (though a little different) as the child ages. Playing with a toddler looks like LEGOs or balls or Play-Doh. Playing with a teenager may look like pick-up basketball, cards, riding bikes together, or even watching a favorite sporting event. Regardless, there’s a connection made in this shared experience of enjoyment that promotes your kid’s well-being but also strengthens the parent/child connection. If you’re looking for how to strengthen your relationship with your child, cultivate the habit of play.

3. “Docking” Your Phone After Work

We’ve all found ourselves doing it: You’re sitting at the table or around the living room with your kids. You decide to take a quick glance at your phone to check the score or respond to a text. Before you know it, 15 minutes have gone by, and your child is tugging at your pants wanting you to play or everyone else has left the room. What you thought would be a brief interruption became a distraction from what was happening with your family. There are very few of us who need to have our phones available so we can respond to emergencies. The rest of us need to practice setting our phones aside after work. The distance helps us avoid “quickly” checking something and instead encourages us to be present in the moment where connection can happen. If you’re looking for how to strengthen your relationship with your child, cultivate the habit of docking your phone.

4. Asking Questions

Asking questions shows you are interested in a person. If you are genuinely curious—wanting to know how that class went or what your kid’s teacher said or what he played at recess or did with friends—your questions open up dialogue and show that you value your child. These are different from interrogating questions, questions that seem to accuse and put the child on the defensive. Interrogation doesn’t invite honesty and sharing; it encourages defensiveness and shutting down. Work on being endlessly interested in your child. It will make him or her feel loved and seen and will make sharing normal. If you’re looking for how to strengthen your relationship with your child, cultivate the habit of asking questions.

5. Reading Together

Some of my most cherished memories with my kids are memories of times I chose to read with them. When they were young, I spent evenings curled up on a bed with my daughter or son snuggled up close reading the Chronicles of Narnia or some book by Sandra Boynton. Later, it was sitting around the living room with teens as we took turns reading a passage of scripture and discussing it. Educational and psychological benefits aside (and there are many), these moments were precious times of connection with my kids. It wasn’t always easy, especially as they got older, but even when they complained, the benefit was clear. Reading together creates connection. If you’re looking for how to strengthen your relationship with your child, cultivate the habit of reading together.

Sound off: What other habits have you found that strengthen your relationship with your child?

Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Do you think I spend too much time on my phone? Why or why not?”