I’m in the middle of writing a book on handling emotions in marriage. In the beginning, I thought I was the perfect guy for the job. After all, I must be in touch with my emotions because I cry at manipulative holiday grocery store ads, military homecoming videos, and ESPN 30 for 30 episodes. Plus, I’ve been researching, writing, and speaking on marriage for 20 plus years.
But it turns out I’m not the perfect guy for the job. I’m like most—I was never taught how to process emotions. And when we don’t know how, they often come out sideways. So if this whole processing emotions thing is new to you too, maybe this will help you shortcut the process. Here are 3 things I wish I had learned earlier about emotions.
1. Both women AND men have A LOT of emotions.
I thought most men’s emotions only consisted of angry, not angry, and happy. But men are hardwired with many, many emotions, like sadness, fear, embarrassment, disgust, envy, excitement, and so many more. For instance, anger is often not just anger. Often, underneath the anger is fear, grief, insecurity, disappointment, loneliness, or some other emotion.
2. Emotions won’t kill you.
My mom abruptly died when I was 10. Her sudden disappearance made me wonder, “Is this pain going to kill me?” No one in our family knew what to do with such a loss. We all learned our way of juking and running from the grief. For me, it was just get mad, stay busy, work hard, have lots of friends, and only cry when no one was looking. But I wish I would have had an adult read me the children’s book What Am I Feeling?, written by my friends Dr. Joshua and Christie Straub. Maybe I would’ve learned what I struggle with believing today: that feelings are just feelings. They don’t control you.
3. Emotions are meant to be felt.
We are led to believe so many twisted messages about emotions. Many of us heard things like this:
“Get over it.” “Boys don’t cry.” “Shake it off.” These messages were not always ill-intended. Adults in our lives feared we would get stuck in or led by our emotions. They wanted us to be tough. But emotions are meant to be felt. Emotions are not enemies; they are signals. Acknowledging and processing our emotions can lead to great self-awareness and emotional resilience. Feeling and learning from emotions doesn’t mean you have to express them in a way you shouldn’t or that makes you uncomfortable. Simply feel them, be with them for a minute, and ask, “What is this about?”
Sound off: What advice do you have for men who are just getting used to handling emotions instead of avoiding them?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “When you feel sad or mad, how do you handle it?”