My wife and I have a 12-year-old and a 5-year-old. Both are active in sports and activities. My wife works part-time, and I work full-time. Our schedules are pretty busy. Recently, she and I were able to go away for a weekend without the kids to put on a marriage and parenting conference at a church in Oklahoma. Though we had some alone time during the weekend, we realized when we got back that it’s been extremely hard staying connected this past year.
But it’s easier to stay connected to your wife than to resurrect a troubled marriage once it’s disconnected. Maybe you’ve asked, “Why am I so disconnected from my wife?” Here are 5 warning signs that you’re becoming disconnected from your wife.
1. You take her for granted.
It’s easy to get into a routine and rut, especially with your wife. A few years ago, I got lazy on Mother’s Day and failed to celebrate my wife well. I made the excuse that I was in a busy season, but the truth was, Mother’s Day wasn’t as important to me as it should have been. When we expect our wives to do things for us and our families but show no appreciation, it leads to hurt feelings and disconnection. Start getting connected again by thanking your wife for the little things she does for you every day.
2. You don’t work to resolve conflict.Your wife and marriage are worth fighting for.
A significant sign you may be disconnecting from your wife is that you’re not working through conflict with her. Growing up, I watched my parents experience conflict with each other and just sweep it under the rug. They may have attempted to work through things, but I never saw them resolve conflict. Conflict is in every marriage, and if you get to a point where you don’t want to find peace and resolve issues, you’ve reached apathy—and apathy disconnects you. Remember, your wife and marriage are worth fighting for. If you cannot work it out on your own, seek counseling.
3. You let your schedules own you.
I have found the easiest items to schedule are work-related. But the most important are the things related to your wife and family. Many men fail to calendar their biggest priorities. Before committing to anything, you need to consider your wife. Busy weeks can turn into busy months. If you’re not careful, one day you’ll realize it’s been a year since you’ve made time for her. Your calendar is your friend. Schedule your wife into it!
4. You don’t touch her.
I’m not talking about sex here. At the marriage and parenting conference, we had couples stand and hug each other for 30 seconds. It was amazing to see the change in couples after about 15 to 20 seconds. They began to relax and smile, and then the awkwardness left the room, and the couples wanted to keep hugging. Try the exercise yourself this week. You can also hold her hand, rub her back, or tickle her.
5. You don’t have fun with her.
If you’re still wondering, “Why am I so disconnected from my wife?” look at how much fun you’ve had with her lately. I once asked one of my mentors what the biggest secret is to the success of his marriage of over 50 years. He simply said, “We laugh a lot.” I always remembered that because something is wrong if you’re not laughing together. Find the fun in your marriage by any means and laugh with your wife.
Sound off: Which of these ways are you currently struggling with? How could you adjust this week to reconnect?
Huddle Up Question
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “When can you and I go out on a date together?”