Frank has been married to Tracy for 15 years and he is frustrated with their sex life. What used to happen every night (and some days, too) has dwindled to a couple of times a month at best. He understands that sometimes hormones mean she isn’t in the mood, but that can’t be why she’s never in the mood. What Frank doesn’t realize is Tracy is frustrated, too. Because while Frank misses sex, what his wife misses is intimacy.
The good news is Frank and Tracy both can enjoy intimacy at its most satisfying. But Frank can only get there if he thinks about Tracy’s needs ahead of his own. The same is true for your marriage. Here are 7 ways to get your wife in the mood.
1. Understand it’s not all about you.
The key word in marriage is relationship. The key word in sex is “her,” not “me.” Think about sex in terms of what she enjoys, her emotional needs, her pleasure. It really is in giving that we receive.
Great sex is not transactional; it is relational.2. Give her intimacy without expecting sex in return.
Great sex is not transactional; it is relational. Even when her hormones say, “I’m not interested,” being present anyway says, “I love you.” So put your partner’s needs ahead of your own (and read 5 Ways to Turn Your Wife on Without Touching Her).
3. Do your best to make sure she is not exhausted at the end of the day.
Exhaustion (especially when it’s the result of an unequal workload) is not conducive to lovemaking. Lighten her workload.
4. Be equal partners in the marriage.
This builds on the previous point. Cook and clean together. Make financial decisions as a couple. Share child-related responsibilities. Serve her when she is tired. Be a PTA dad.
5. Support and encourage your wife as a complete human being.
Does your wife know she is admired, valued, respected, and encouraged? Communicate her value to her.
6. Make a list of the reasons you fell in love with her.
Now fall in love all over again. Remember the pursuit? Remember the infatuation? Remember how ready you were for that first kiss? Taking sex for granted is a dead-end pursuit. But working hard to grow the relationship may lead to, you know, other things.
7. Take care of yourself and get into better shape.
Take an honest look at your health, your physique, your weight, the way you dress, the care you take. Make an effort.
Sound off: How has putting your wife’s needs first helped to bring you closer together?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What can I do today that’ll make your life easier?”