Exasperated, I called out to my wife: “It’s not here.” I’d looked in the door, checked behind the milk, and examined every shelf in our fridge. No matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t find the ketchup. I was convinced we were all out until my wife came and looked. In a matter of seconds, she pointed out the stealthy condiment, which had been sitting on the top shelf directly in front of my face. I sighed, embarrassed that my “man-vision” had struck again.
Man-vision is a term often used to describe those moments when a man is blind to things right in front of him. When it’s a condiment, it’s often the source of some humor at the man’s expense. But parenting blind spots are a little more serious. And it’s much more serious when these moments of temporary blindness impact a man’s relationship with his kids. Here are 5 parenting blind spots.
1. The kids are always watching.
Last spring, we were watching the hockey playoffs when our favorite team, the Edmonton Oilers, scored a big goal. As I stood up to cheer, my 10-year-old son watched and did the same. This became his go-to reaction every time the Oilers scored throughout the playoffs. We need to choose our words and actions carefully, because our kids see all that we do, both the good and the bad, and they are ready and willing to copy us. What do your kids see you do that you hope they don’t emulate? It’s time to stop doing those things.
2. My attitude matters.
A few years back, a major project at work demanded a lot of overtime from me, which had me buried in my home office for nearly every spare minute I had. When the kids would come to the door to ask for help, invite me to supper, or just spend a few minutes with me, I unconsciously sighed at the interruption. That reaction left a lasting impression on them. For months, my kids hesitated to interrupt me or ask for my help because they didn’t want to hear me sigh at them.
3. Multitasking isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
It seems like there are two kinds of parents who take their kids to the park: the parents who are “all in” with their kids, readily jumping on the swings and slides, and the parents who take their kids to the park and scroll on their phones while the kids play. It’s OK to get a brain break once in a while, but the norm shouldn’t be to be on your phone when you could be engaging with your kids. Kids notice whether they are the priority or simply an afterthought while we check email or sports scores on our phones.
4. Your relationships set a standard.
A child’s first teacher on what makes a healthy romantic relationship is his or her parents. Your kids learn every day how a man is supposed to treat a woman by the way you treat their mom—even if you aren’t married to her. They listen to the way you talk about her and the way you work through disagreements. If this is done respectfully and with affection, sons learn that this is the way they should act in their own future relationships, and daughters learn to expect this from their future partners.
5. Hypocrisy costs you dearly.
A dear friend lost her dad at a young age to lung cancer, an illness he developed after years of smoking cigarettes. Though he was still a smoker to his final days, he often admonished his kids never to pick up the habit. My friend remembers being confused by these directions to “do as I say, not as I do” from her father. This hypocrisy can bleed into many aspects of our lives: Are we honest in all of our dealing with others, or are we dishonest when dishonesty works to our advantage? Do we ask our kids to speak respectfully but spend our days cursing like a sailor? We lose credibility with our kids when they can see the ways we ask them to do things we don’t even do ourselves.
Sound off: What are some other parenting blind spots a dad needs to watch out for?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What is one way I could improve as a dad?”