Nothing creates more internal angst than having your wife say “I wish you would share your feelings.” Many of us think, “I have 2 emotions, anger, and the other one.” The messages men get about their emotions are all over the place. Old school message: “Man up.” New school message: “Be vulnerable.” These mixed messages can make emotions in marriage a challenge.
Regardless of the mixed messages, every man has emotions, and emotions in marriage are inevitable. To connect with our wives, we must own our emotions. But here’s the good news: I recently discovered owning my emotions isn’t as difficult and scary as I thought. While you obviously have more, making fast friends with these 6 emotions is a powerful thing for you AND your marriage.
1. Joy
Sure, we smile, we laugh, we have our joyful moments, but do we have real joy on the regular? Joy isn’t extra; it’s essential to a great life and a great marriage. After all, joy is one of the things that brought you together, and it’s also one of the things that keeps you together.
• Who and what brings you joy?
• What does joy look like on you?
• How does your joy play out in your marriage?
2. Anger
Anger is a normal emotion. But anger expressed poorly almost always leads to something going wrong in a marriage. At the same time, we can use anger as a tool. Author Ruta Sepetys writes, “Anger is a signal. It tells you something is wrong. Listen to it.”
• Who and what makes you angry?
• What does anger look like on you?
• How does your anger play out in your marriage?
3. Fear
What often lies beneath anger is fear. Many of us were taught it is not OK to be afraid. Expressing it is even a bigger “no no.” But fear is often a helpful emotion. Fear points to danger, promotes caution, and even motivates us to excel. Healthy fear isn’t crippling—it’s telling. When we understand why we are afraid, we know what we are dealing with. It helps keep our fear from turning into anger or frustration, hurting and confusing our wives in the process.
• Who and what makes you fearful?
• What does fear look like on you?
• How does your fear play out in your marriage?
4. Love
It’s important to often pull up to 30,000 feet and remember that you really love your wife. Why? Hard work is important. But just as important as working hard is loving hard. Even after a long day, do you reconnect and live with her in a loving way? Does she still know you would choose her every time?
• Who and what makes you feel love?
• What does love look like on you?
• How does your love play out in your marriage?
5. Sadness
What is a man supposed to do with sadness? We are told everything from, “Women love to see a man cry!” to “Real men don’t cry… unless it’s a really big loss… of a game.” Just admitting to ourselves and sometimes to our wives that we are sad is uncomfortable at best. But it is way less painful than pretending we aren’t, because unaddressed sadness often turns into something that is confusing to us and to our wives. Like getting majorly frustrated over something minor.
• Who and what makes you sad?
• What does sadness look like on you?
• How does your sadness play out in your marriage?
6. Peace
Peace can be one of the most elusive emotions of all, especially for me. But living and choosing and creating a life that allows us peace is massive. Peace helps us to think, react, and love our wives better. Being peaceful when life is anything but is one of the greatest gifts you can give your wife.
• Who and what makes you peaceful?
• What does peace look like on you?
• How does your peace play out in your marriage?
Sound off: What are your favorite emotions in marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What is your favorite emotion?”