Whenever I swam in the ocean as a kid, my mom would always tell me, “Beware of the undertow or riptide. It will carry you out to sea.” A riptide is a strong current moving from the shoreline out toward the ocean. You can’t see it until you are caught in one, and you will only exhaust yourself and drown if you try to swim against it. In order to survive and get back to land, you have to swim parallel to the beach and remove yourself from the pull of the current.
This is what it’s like to engage with someone who is passive-aggressive, who uses subversive sabotaging techniques to beat someone else. Passive-aggressives seek to attain power over people and try to maintain that power. Engaging a passive-aggressive person in the same way you engage everyone else is like swimming against a riptide. You need a whole new strategy. Is someone in your family passive-aggressive? Maybe even worse, are you? Here are 5 ways to spot a passive-aggressive and how to engage.
Spotting:
1. Hidden Anger or Bitterness
Behind that smile, there is a lot of resentment. They won’t admit it, even when you ask them straight up. “It’s totally fine. I’m fine,” they’ll say. You probably can sense that they are not. “You sure?” “Yes. It’s fine.” Then they complain about you to someone else.
2. Surface Compliance, Subversive Rebellion
You ask them to do something and they say yes, maybe even with enthusiasm. But, somehow, it never gets done. It’s a pattern.
3. Calculated Procrastination
This naturally follows the last one. They say they will do something and then consistently put off. They aren’t like a normal procrastinator, though. Their procrastination is selective. It is a tool to get under your skin.
4. Intentional Subpar Performance
You ask them to do something, they say yes, complete it in a timely manner, but it is done noticeably poorly. You let them know it was poorly done, and they turn it back on you by saying, “You’re always so critical of me.”
5. Backhanded Compliments
They never seem to give you a compliment that feels 100% good. “The steak you cooked tonight was really good for a first try.”
Engaging:
1. Make it a game.
Don’t become emotionally entangled with their tactics. They want to frustrate you, and interacting with them takes work. Since it is work, you might as well make it fun for you. Identify what they are doing, and think to yourself, I see what you are doing. Nice try. I’m not falling into that trap. Then respond with the techniques below.
2. Keep it light.
They will never expose their bitterness. Trying to confront and get things out in the open tends to be the healthiest thing, but doesn’t go well with the passive-aggressive. So keep things light. Don’t waste energy trying to fix them or making them feel OK with you. This is their problem and dysfunction. Don’t let it have power over you.
3. Use humor and wit.
This can be a tough one, and it’ll will require the most practice if it doesn’t come naturally to you. There is a fine line between wit and sarcasm. Stay on the side of wit. It’s not only disarming, but it changes the dynamic.
4. Listen, be gracious, and be kind.
The last thing you want to do is return their bad behavior with the same type of behavior. Listen to them and try to understand. Be gracious in the face of disgrace. Be kind so they don’t have a reason to be bitter. Then it’s all on them. Your conscience is clear.
Sound off: How do you deal with passive-aggressive people?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Do you know what it means to be passive aggressive?”