My adult son recently decided it would be fun to play a game I like to call Parental Gotcha. It goes a little something like this. We are just hanging out, and he casually says, “Do you remember that time I told you I was at friend A’s house doing B? I lied. I was actually at friend D’s house doing Z. Gotcha.” Needless to say, friend A is still like a second son, and friend D still needs more adult supervision. This little revealing game brings up two immediate responses.
First, I’m inclined to wrestle him to the ground, and show him I still can take him. (Chapman, if you are reading this, you know I can. Gotcha.) Second, I’m prompted to remember that children are dirty, filthy liars—I mean mischievous as they are finding their way. In all seriousness, if I had double-checked if he was really at friend A’s house, he might not have learned how to ______ at friend D’s house. (Chapman, aren’t you glad I didn’t fill in that blank?) That is just one of the reasons why, like our cars, regularly checking in with kids is a big part of being a dad. Here are 5 gauges you need to check consistently with your kid.
1. Friend Gauge
The older your kid gets, the more influential their friends become. Noticing who they are hanging out with and even dating is something you must continue to monitor. One of the best ways to keep a watch on the friend gauge is for you to be around them as well. If possible, make your house the hang-out house, stock it with non-nutritious food, and most of all, don’t be afraid to use your spy skills to listen in and watch. Can you say nanny cam?
2. School Gauge
The school system makes this gauge a little easier to monitor than the others. Report cards, student portals, and the like, give you almost too much information. But we have found that staying appropriately connected to teachers is really the best way to know what is going on with our kids. And if you want teachers to really keep in the loop, respond to them with gratitude and curiosity rather than frustration and defensiveness.
3. Sports/Activities Gauge
There is no doubt that extracurricular activities can be a very positive thing. But you have to monitor if the extracurriculars are too extra for your kid and family. For several reasons, we only allow our kids to do one extracurricular activity at a time. This seems to be better for them and is for sure better for our family. Secondly, ask yourself how the subculture of that activity is impacting your kid. We loved our son’s involvement in cross-country because the subculture was fun and encouraging.
4. Feelings Gauge
One of the most powerful things we can do for our kids is to ask them how they are feeling, hear their answers, and let them know we hear them. This is hard for me because my tendency is to do with their feelings what I try to do with my own: fix them. However, as author and speaker Jennie Allen says, “Feelings are not meant to be fixed; they are meant to be felt.” This doesn’t mean we teach them to be ruled by their feelings, but we should teach them it’s OK to have them.
5. Dad Gauge
If I’m going to be a good dad, I have to ensure I’m taking care of myself. Am I sleeping enough? Eating well? Exercising? Taking time to restore? Working too much? Spending time with my wife? The better I take care of myself, the better dad I can be.
Sound off: What is one gauge you try to consistently watch with your kid?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How are you feeling about___________?”