Bob couldn’t believe how his life had turned out. Fifteen years before, he had been one of the most celebrated superheroes, Mr. Incredible, but now he felt bored and useless. He worked for an insurance company, drove a car too small for his superhero frame, and spent most of his days longing for the time when he felt like his life made a difference. So after work, he was a shell of himself, never fully present. He wanted his life to mean more because he thought he was defined by the job he has and his ability to provide materially for his family. Too many men make this mistake.
“We tell ourselves the lie that I’m providing for my wife and kids. We are providing monetary sustenance, but what happens when in the pursuit of that, we ignore providing our kids with us?” says Michael Gormley of this tendency. It’s easy for a man to fall into the trap of believing that a house, clothes, and food is all kids need from a father. But we have so much more to offer them. Here are 5 other ways a man provides for his family.
1. Wisdom and Experience
Whether it’s a broken toy, necklace clasp, or a car that won’t start, the moment something breaks, the first place my kids come is to Dad. Dads are expected to know things (even when we don’t know what to do). It goes beyond just being Mr. Fix-it. Kids come to us with some of their deepest questions and want to hear our most thoughtful answers, because they trust we know something they do not.
2. Strength and Security
When they were little, my kids went straight to their mom if they were sick or needed a bandaid. But if there was a lightning storm, a monster under the bed, or a nightmare, they more often wanted me instead. In my house, “Dad” means a different sort of comfort and safety than “Mom” does. This strength helps little kids feel safe, but it’s also something grown children count on as they face the challenges of adulthood.
3. Boundaries and Consequences
When my kids screw up, there are days my wife waits until I get home to give a kid his consequences. This goes far beyond “you just wait till your dad gets home,” because my wife is as capable of disciplining our children as I am. Sometimes she waits because she’s emotional about what’s gone wrong and other times it’s because she wants me to have the chance to help shape our kid’s character. When we lovingly discipline our kids, it is so much more than just being the enforcer. We are letting our kids know we want great things for them, and we help them get there.
4. Mercy and Forgiveness
When a kid is crying and holding the toy he broke because he was mad, discipline and consequences aren’t going to teach him anything. In moments like these, a dad can meet a kid with a gentler touch, acknowledging the wrong but letting him know you see him. When dads do this, we provide our kids a sense of safety, knowing that they are loved even when they’ve messed up. A kid who grows up in that situation won’t be as likely to be scared to come to dad when they are older, and the stakes are much higher.
5. Laughter and Perspective
I, like many dads, revel in making my kids groan and roll their eyes at my cheesy dad jokes. I’ve come to realize that at times it can break the tension my kids feel in difficult moments. Whether we’re laughing at ourselves, at the situation, or at something completely ridiculous, our “dad humor” can help kids step back from tense and difficult situations.
Sound off: What are other ways to provide for your family?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some things I do that make you feel safe?”