“Dad, is it time to go out together for our list of questions yet?!” For years when my kids were young, I took them out one-on-one each December to ask a series of 12 “heart questions” before the new year. These questions helped me evaluate how I was doing as a dad and how my child was doing on a heart level. This also gave me an opportunity for some quality personalized time with each of my kids, which they always looked forward to.
Each year, there were a few of those questions, though, that my kids responded to best and that I seemed to learn from most. Their feedback was always insightful, honest, and helpful to me as a dad. Your kids’ parenting feedback will be as helpful to you, too. Here are 3 pieces of parenting feedback you need to get from your kids.
1. If you were the parent, and I were your child, what would you do differently?
Your kids see your parenting through a different lens than you do. And seeing life through your kids’ perspective can make all the difference to better relate to them. Dads can sometimes be too harsh, too critical, or too distant. But allowing your kids to hand you their “glasses” for a moment might just make you a better dad. I know it has for me.
Another way you might ask this question could be “What is one thing I do as a parent that bothers you most?” or “What can I do to be a better dad to you?” or “Is there anything embarrassing or hurtful I do that you wish I’d stop doing?”
2. Finish this sentence: “You feel most loved by me when… ___________.”
A few of my kids’ responses to this over the years have been “…when you notice when I do things right,” “…when we spend time together by ourselves,” and “…when you play baseball with me in the back yard.”
Like my children, your kids’ responses may be pretty simple yet really good reminders of the importance of making sure we are speaking our kids’ love languages. Your kids crave to have a good relationship with you. So find out what a good relationship with you looks like to them.
3. Is there anything you would like to tell me, ask me, or talk with me about (nothing is off limits) ?
Just because your kids aren’t talking doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking. They are always thinking. And tapping into their heart can sometimes feel like the greatest parenting challenge of all. A similar question I’ve used is “Has anything happened in your life recently that I don’t know about, but that you think I should know about?”
One of our greatest parenting wins has been an open-door questions policy in our home (permission to ask any question, anytime, about anything). Our kids have taken advantage of it in a good way. Sometimes, though, I’ve found it helpful to take the initiative through questions rather than waiting for my child to ask.
Whichever question(s) you decide to ask, it’s important to simply ask, then, JUST LISTEN (without defensiveness). That’s when you’ll find you can really tap into what’s in your child’s heart. Then, whatever you learn, act on it, whether it’s more of something you’re already doing, or less of something that will make you more of what your child deserves. In the end, it’s a win for both of you.
Sound off: How could some honest parenting feedback from your kids help you become a better dad?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are one or two ways I can love you better?”