“I don’t know how you’re surviving the teen years,” she said. Her firstborn had just turned 13, and she wasn’t liking how it was going. It was obvious that she wished she could go back to when her son wore footie pajamas. I wanted to know more, so I asked her what was wrong. That’s when she said, “What isn’t going wrong?!”
The teen years can be rough. One day, your kids are sweet and cute, and then all of a sudden they turn into, well, something else. Have you been arguing with your teen? Are you tired of dealing with teenage attitude and having the same fights over and over again? Here are 5 typical fights parents have with teens and how to stop.
1. About Their Teenage Attitude
According to the National Library of Medicine, the rational part of a teenager’s brain is not fully formed. Teens tend to rely more on the primitive part of the brain, which detects threats. So, teens tend to see hostility even when it isn’t present. This is also why they are more prone to anger and changes in their moods. You need to recognize that this is a part of their development.
Stop arguing: You have to be the calm one. Don’t allow their attitude to trigger you. Instead, de-escalate the situation. Ask your teens if they feel like you are being hostile or disrespecting them. If they say yes, then apologize and explain that it wasn’t your intent.
2. Being Mean to Their Siblings
The fact that teens’ brains do what they do will result in their being mean to their siblings, especially the younger ones. Siblings won’t have the ability to discern and de-escalate like you do. Unfortunately, they will antagonize, which makes for a terrible mixture.
Stop arguing: It’s natural to get angry when your kids don’t treat each other right. Explain to your teen that her younger siblings look up to her and she will have a better impact on them if she speaks more positively than negatively. Then make sure you reward and affirm her when she treats her siblings well.
3. Challenging Your Ways
Teens are learning who they are, and part of that process is individuation, separating from you. So they will push against anything that isn’t them, like your boundaries.
Stop arguing: Don’t take it personally or as disrespect. They’re testing the things you’ve taught them. It’s natural and can even be positive. Have good reasons for the boundaries you put in place and explain them. Give consequences when your kids cross boundaries. Also, some of your boundaries should start being lifted. They need more and more freedom to learn to navigate.
4. Doing Their School Work
I heard a great approach to teens this week: “Adolescence is not the last phase of childhood; it’s the beginning of adulthood.” School is essentially a child’s job. When our kids are young, we need to help, prod, and organize their education. But during the teenage years, they need to learn to do it themselves.
Stop arguing: It’s time for your teen to experience some natural consequences. I know you’ll be tempted to bail him out or to work hard to motivate him. I’ve done that myself, but sooner or later, he needs to find his own drive and self-discipline. Let him fail, but also explain that he can improve and succeed. He just needs to choose to commit. But the choice is his.
5. Keeping Up With Their Chores
“How many times do I have to tell you to do the dishes?!” Ever thrown up your hands and asked that question? Me too, but harping on them won’t work, and reminding them over and over again will just leave you frustrated.
Stop arguing: A wise statement that Jesus made is, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” Ask your teen if he wants to be trustworthy. Explain to him that if he wants to be treated like an adult, then he needs to be faithful to following through on his responsibilities. But, and this is important, it’s his choice. Teens tend to respond well when it’s up to them.
Sound off: How do you deal with teenage attitude? What are some other recurring arguments we might’ve missed?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some rules you wish didn’t exist?”